Title: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken Finding Forgiveness and Restoration (UPDATED & EXPANDED)
Author: Cindy Beall
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken by Cindy Beall was originally written many years ago and has now been updated and expanded. I love that message is the same throughout this book, you can trust God through the betrayal you are feeling. Cindy talks about the deep betrayal of her husband’s pornography addiction that later led to her husband, who happened to be a pastor, to have a baby with a mistress. She explains the process of the initial grief and the redeeming work of God’s hand in their marriage.
I love that this book is filled with authenticity and vulnerability. Cindy is not shy about the hard work it takes to be committed to marriage. The Beall’s testimony is an example of what is possible with God and a servanthood marriage after devastation. Their marriage is a work of God and what it means that He exchanges beauty for ashes.
Overall, Healing Your Marriage When Your Trust is Broken is a unique book that can help guide hurting marriages back to the healer Himself. The only downside to parts of the book are there is uses of “get over it” and “move on” that could be hurtful to those who are just learning of their spouses betrayal. You can see Cindy’s heart throughout the book is not the same language that is conveyed overall. The strongest parts of the book are the questions that were asked to other couples that had also endured broken trust. To have a variety of backgrounds and different scenarios reaches a greater audience.
Overall, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken (Updated & Expanded) has very helpful tools for those who are just beginning to walk in their healing journey and marriages 10 years in alike. I do recommend this book to spouses who are hurting after marriage betrayal. I do advise those reading to continue you reading past the hard to hear parts of this book. It seems Cindy’s heart is one who sympathizes deeply with those who have been hurt. However, at different parts of the book it can be taken as someone who is telling you to just get over it or there is no hope for the couples who don’t have a spouse as willing to work at marriage recovery. I encourage you if you continue to read, you will see that her heart is to help.
Bottom line, this book is a reminder that you are not alone, marriage restoration is possible, and God is trustworthy, no matter where you are in your recovery journey.
Our belief in God is in direct correlation to our trust. When we have a hard time believing, we are really having a hard time trusting. There are plenty of religious doctrine, false teachers, and life experiences that have given us the opportunity to stray from truth. Our life experiences often frame what we believe is true about God, such as we often associate God to earthy father. We often associate Jesus to our siblings and our mother with the Holy Spirit. In fact, our fathers and mother’s are supposed to the example in marriage to his characteristics and qualities. However, we live in a very broken world. People who are supposed to represent him do not follow him or know him at all and we are left with brokenness and a false reality of who God truly is. Since we have been born, we have been experiencing things that shape our beliefs about who he is without even realizing it.
I have realized in my personal life I have had to unlearn almost everything I had originally learned about God. The God I did believe in was not easy to trust and completely false. The God I knew as a child was distant and a dictator and loved to punish. His love was based upon performance, if you do this you gain more favor. If you do not do this he would love you less. All of these things are completely false about who God actually is. I realized when I first came into a relationship with the Lord he was nothing like I thought he was. In fact, his word would reveal that he was closer than my breath. Even at my darkest, he loves me. While he hates sin, he met me in my mess, and died on the cross to save me from the condemnation that I always felt with religion. In fact, the more I read, the more I realized that religion killed Jesus. While the law was good, it was unattainable through flesh which is exactly why I needed saving and savior named Jesus in the first place.
Most of what I learned about God growing up was false. There have been many times in my life where I have had doubts about what God had promised and questioned his character. What I have come to find is that in these moments where I do have doubts, is that I am believing a lie about who he is. In the moments where I was scared to ask questions about who God is, the questions were an opportunity to grow closer and be freed from lies and set free in truth.
We see in the life of Abram and many other people in the bible that they had questions for God too. It is not bad to have questions, in fact, this is a god given opportunity for him to tear down the lies of who you thought he was and replace it with who he truly is.
Abram, later known as Abraham, is known for his faith. In fact, he is known as the ‘Father of Faith’. Yet as you read through Genesis 15, we see him asking God questions like,
But Abram said, “Lord God, what can you give me, since I am childless and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?” Abram continued, “Look, you have given me no offspring, so a slave born in my house will be my heir.” -Genesis 15:2-3 CSB
But he said, “Lord God, how can I know that I will possess it?” -Genesis 15:8 CSB
How many times have you and I echoed questions like these? God you gave me this promise but it is not even close to what I can see. How are you going to be able to do this? Or God, what can I do to posses the promise?
God’s responses to Abram are full of grace, mercy, and love. After all, that is who God is. If you have not read Genesis 15, please do this now! Even if you have now would be a good time to read it again. In verse 4-5 the Lord speaks his promises yet again to Abram and gives him the example of the stars in the sky to hold onto. What was Abram’s response?
Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.-Genesis 15:6 CSB
The word believed here means rendered, represents him to be what he says he is to be. So, Abram believed God and rendered that he was a good father, creator and caretaker. Abram saw God as faithful, trustworthy, believeable, and morally true through and through. Just like Abram, we need to have an accurate representation of who God is in order to really be able to believe he is who he says he is and will do what he says he is going to do. As you know, we come with alot of past experiences that unintentionally shape how we see God. So how can we practically in real life unlearn the lies? How can we believe the truth of who God is and in turn have trust in him?
The first thing we can do is seek to learn and have a relationship with Jesus. Jesus is the perfect representation of God in human form. We not only have the opportunity to see his life displayed through the bible but he left us a helper, the Holy Spirit, to lead us into all truth about him. We must not just merely study the word of God or the life of Jesus. But have communion with him allowing him to speak to us through his spirit, the word, and prayer. As we seek him with all our heart we will find him (Jeremiah 29:13-14).
Just like Abram, you must allow yourself to ask God questions. If you are like me, this may take some unlearning of thinking that God is distant. God actually desires for you to ask him questions. He desires to spend time with you. He is not scared of what you may ask. In fact, these questions may be the gateway to bringing you to the truth and closer to his heart.
If you want to know God, just like any other relationship you must spend time with him. You can do this through simple things like his word, prayer, and singing songs. Even if you think you know God, there is more to know. His wisdom and love with never be reached fully on earth and neither should our exploration of who he is.
As you can see, what you believe in, especially about who God is, has a profound effect on your everyday life. There should never come a time where we don’t ask God questions. There will never be a time that he is sick of us asking questions. He loves to spend time with you! He not only loves you, but he enjoys every moment you spend with him. If you have come to a moment where you have had a hard time trusting God or maybe the thought of God wanting and liking spending time with you is hard. I challenge you to unlearn what you think you may know and learn who he really is by looking at Jesus, asking him questions, and spending time with him. Our trust is in direct correlation of what we believe. As we intentionally grow closer to God, you and I both see that he is so much greater than we could ever possibly think or imagine.
More Scripture To Meditate On:
All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. -2 Timothy 3:16-17 CSB
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.He was with God in the beginning.All things were created through him, and apart from him not one thing was created that has been created. -John 1:1-3 CSB
I love those who love me, and those who search for me find me. -Proverbs 8:17 CSB
You will keep the mind that is dependent on you in perfect peace, for it is trusting in you. -Isaiah 26:3 CSB
God is not a man, that he might lie, or a son of man, that he might change his mind. Does he speak and not act, or promise and not fulfill? -Numbers 23:19 CSB
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill what he has spoken to her!” -Luke 1:45 CSB
Then I saw heaven opened, and there was a white horse. Its rider is called Faithful and True, and with justice he judges and makes war. -Revelation 19:11 CSB
With many unknowns in the world right now, many are filled with anxiety and fear of what may come next. Thankfully while there are alot of things we do not know, we do have God whom all things were created for him and through him. God does have the answers. We also have the Word of God which is filled with promises to those who believe. We are encouraged to meditate on things that are pure, lovely, commendable, and praiseworthy. The Word of God is certainly all those things. Remember that just as what you digest in food fuels your body, your spirit is fed the same way.
This year, our family has faced alot of trials and tribulations ever before March came along. But through all the questions and sufferings, God’s faithfulness has revealed itself time and time again. The Word of God has came to fruition and our love for God has drawn deeper than ever before. One of the biggest area’s he has shown his faithfulness in is the area of provision. I have wanted to write about this for the past 2 months. But Holy Spirit has made it clear that now is the time to share. Maybe you have lost your job through unforseen circumstances that has been sweeping the globe or maybe you are not sure when the next pay check will come in, or maybe you are a small buisness owner and the numbers are not adding up. This one is for you…
On December 31st the Holy Spirit had led me to quit my job as a Store Manager and write full time. So, on January 21st we were blindsided in more than one way when a man just trying to get home from work, stopping for snacks slammed into my side of the car. We were on our way to church after we had met up for boba tea, it was dry and clear when the wreck happened. There was no reason this should have happened. We crawled out of the car with the help of a woman who ran from across the street and were greeted with the man who I could see was feeling condemned. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, what was in me came out. I proceeded to tell him that we forgave him, life happens, and I didn’t know what his finances looked like, but God would provide. There were alot of unknowns in this moment. There were sirens and lights everywhere. It was cold, I figured that’s why my nose was running. My knee and head were hurting, my husband was sitting on the curb, and our poor Rhonda the Honda was displayed all over Jackson street. I kneeled down and sat with my husband and began to pray the promises of God and his peace flooded over our soul.
The hospital visit will be another post. But we came out with minor injuries other than the concussion that left me a little fuzzy to say the least.
We got the news that Rhonda The Honda was totaled and we were down to one vehicle. The unknowns remained the same. We had no health insurance. How much were these bills going to be? How were we going to get the money? The Lord told me to quit, but should I go ask for my job back? Our car was upside down. Would insurance cover it? Everyone was telling us to sue, but is that biblical? That man needed forgivness and that was surely no way to show him redemptive love. But the Lord continued to meet us where we were at and reveal to us his promises again and again.
I want to share below some of the promises that he shared with us that we declared every single day, sometimes multiple times a day.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 NKJV
Listen to my testimony: I cried to God in my distress and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears! Gaze upon him, join your life with his, and joy will come. Your faces will glisten with glory. You’ll never wear that shame-face again. When I had nothing, desperate and defeated, I cried out to the Lord and he heard me, bringing his miracle-deliverance when I needed it most. The angel of the Lord stooped down to listen as I prayed, encircling me, empowering me, and showing me how to escape. He will do this for everyone who fears God. Drink deeply of the pleasures of this God. Experience for yourself the joyous mercies he gives to all who turn to hide themselves in him. Worship in awe and wonder, all you who’ve been made holy! For all who fear him will feast with plenty. Even the strong and the wealthy grow weak and hungry, but those who passionately pursue the Lord will never lack any good thing. Psalms 34:4-10 TPT (and the rest of Psalms 34)
Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, That there may be food in My house, And try Me now in this,” Says the Lord of hosts, “If I will not open for you the windows of heaven And pour out for you such blessing That there will not be room enough to receive it. Malachi 3:10 NKJV
I will lift up my eyes to the hills— From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord , Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. Psalms 121:1-3 NKJV
God will give swift justice to those who don’t give up. So be ever praying, ever expecting, just like the widow was with the judge. Yet when the Son of Man comes back, will he find this kind of persistent faithfulness in his people?” Luke 18:8 TPT
Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, since he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23 CSB
There were many more. As I sought the Lord each time he spoke through his word and prayer. He was going to provide, he knew this was going to happen and he’s already made a way, and if I fixed my mind on what he was speaking, I would be filled with peace.
When we are going through hard times it is so easy to fill ourselves up with junk (social media, the news, what people think, ect.) but it is of great importance that we focus on what God is speaking.
God kept his promises to us. Our car may have been upside down but he answered our prayer to get out of debt and our car is paid in full through the accident. We didn’t have health insurance but our medical bills were paid due to the man at the accident taking fault at the accident through his honesty. I ended up getting paid through the job I quit months after the accident because they never took me out of the system. I called my previous boss and told them that I was still getting paid and he told me that he had already talked to HR and to keep the money and thanked me for my honesty. In turn I was able to share God’s faithfulness to provide with him and how he had been a vessel to provide for us in a time of need. Last but certainly not least, we did not sue but God still provided us money for the concussion and injuries we suffered.
There are a couple things I learned from this accident. One is that when hard times happen, what is in us comes out. We need to be constantly filling ourselves up with the ultimate truth, The Word Of God. If I wouldn’t have been filled up with the word it would’ve been easy to react in anger for the man hitting us. Yet, God’s love and forgiveness shown through to the man who just wanted to get home from work. The second thing that I learned from the accident is that faith is exactly what the word of God says, something we cannot see. We had no idea how God was going to work things out, we just knew he would because we had his promises and we believed he would come through for us.
I am not sure where you are right now or what you are dealing with. However, I know from experience that God is faithful and his word cannot come back void. Your job is not the ultimate provider, God is and he has promised to take care of you. Your health may seem like it is in shambles, but God has promised you not a Spirit of fear, or timidy, but of power, love, and a sound mind. Jesus took lashes upon his back for you to be healed and has promised through Psalms 91 Angel’s on assignment on your behalf.
Things could have turned out way worse in that accident. A concussion from cracking the windshield was not bad in comparison to what could’ve happened. Yet God my hedge of protection was with me and I am now healed of all injuries. Throughout healing from the TBI, I did not feel like myself but God continued to say “do you trust me?”. Today I believe he is saying the same thing to you, “Do you trust me?”. He is trustworthy, he is faithful, and has proved in my life that he can use anything he sees fit to provide. He does not have favorites and will do the same for you.
I challenge you to go into a quiet space and come boldly before the throne, laying all your concerns before him. There is where you will recieve his mercy and grace. Prayerfully dive into his word and grasp on to his promises, declaring them outloud throughout the day. Remember, they cannot come back void. God is willing to give you what you want and need, ask him. He does not do so reluctantly, he loves his children.
The Lord gently reminds me that his thoughts are so much higher than ours and so are his ways. There are many of us that know God has called us to do something grand, something to change eternity. It is just the process of getting from A to B that is difficult. But what if it doesn’t have to be? What if we put our COMPLETE trust in HIS WAYS rather than our own. Acknowledging that God makes the crooked paths straight, levels out the bumpy places, and is completely trustworthy and perfect.
If we keep the eternal perspective of knowing that all God does and asks us to do is wrapped in his perfection and asked out of his grace, mercy, and love, we no longer rely on what we can see or even what it feels like. We see that he is molding us as his clay and he is being the potter.
Today I lay down how I think things should go and take hold of the way God wants me to walk. Trusting who he is. I lean not on my own understanding and he will make my path’s straight. I will do as he directs wholeheartedly, for he is faithful and true. Not losing sight of who he is or the promises that will come to pass.
What are you standing in faith for today?
Whatever it is, tap into God’s faithfulness!
The promises we have been given from God have no other option than to be fulfilled. What he has spoken, comes into existence.
His promises are not fulfilled on our faithfulness but on HIS.
Anything that tries to come against what he has promised, MUST BOW at the name of Jesus. No weapon formed shall prosper!
No longer waver in what he has said.
Be still and remember who HE is and give thanks for what is to come and what he has already done.
Many times there is process to the promise to refine us to be more like him.
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
His promises are yes and amen!
Tap into HIS faithfulness.
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