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He’s A God of Miracles & Divine Healing

thoughts of god

“God is much more interested in your future than in your past.”-Mark Jeske

I heard the song Suicide Nets and it brought me to tears. Reflecting on where I used to be to where I am now. Where I was without God, trapt in addiction, sin, and depression. Suicidal thoughts overwhelmed my mind on a daily basis, sometimes even an hourly basis. I was so lost. I hit rock bottom before I reached out and invited the Lord in.

Now, I am on my Christian walk, letting him be my strength, provider, comforter, and anything that he calls to be in the moment. Sometimes I wish I would’ve reached up sooner to be with him and start this journey. However, I know that the things I’ve went through are to help others that may need some love, just like I did before February 2015.

February 2015 was the last time I was institutionalized for Suicidal Thoughts and Self-Harm. It was also the last month, besides October of 2016 (my Grandma was dying of Cancer), where I allowed the devil to control my mind to think all I was worth was my mental illness that I had been diagnosed with, Bipolar Disorder II.

I started attending church at The River and I was welcomed in with the love of the Father as soon as I came through the door. From there, we went into worship, looking all around me I saw people crying, shouting with joy, and showing an outward expression of how much they love God. I cannot seem to find the song that was first played, however, exactly what I needed to hear was playing. The Father let me know that I wasn’t alone and I am loved.

We are all searching for something in this world…and really we are just looking for the love of Christ.

I look at dealing with suicidal thoughts now as the devil realizing that I was going to be a big threat to what he has planned, compared to where God knows where I will go. At this point in my life, I take all the things I have been through as a compliment from the devil.

Starting January 2017 I asked my doctor if I could be taken off of all the medications I had been taking. He was hesitant. People with mental illnesses often feel better while being stable on medications and often quit, and they end up being right at the beginning of recovery. However, I knew I had been healed from God and I didn’t need medication because he creates miracles.

Since January I have still yet to fall back into a Manic/Depressive episode.

I am stable.

God has healed me.

If you are reading this and feel like there is no hope for your current situation, please understand that you’re first and foremost, not alone. Not only is God here, but I am here if you need a hug or just someone to listen. Just know that God is a God of miracles. Don’t keep him in a box. Let him show you what he wants to do for you.


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Coffee With Jesus, Part II

“Show me how much you love me, Lord, and save me according to your promise. Then I can answer those who insult me because I trust in your word.”-Psalms 119:41-42

I love the picture on the left because Jesus is smiling and so happy with the little girl. I often get trapped in the enemies lies of him looking at me with sadness, but Holy Spirit pointed out to me in this picture, that he smiles because of me a lot more often than I think. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves because what we’ve done or said that we beat ourselves up for days, weeks, or even years. When God is such a good Father, that he wants us to stop fixating on what we have done wrong and find our identity in who he is so we know how much he loves us and is proud of us.

Sunday, Pastor Bill, said something that really resonated with me. Are we bearing fruit or empty trees? & Are we looking at the enemies agenda or are we focused on what Our Loving Father has planned for us?

“In conclusion, my brothers and sisters, fill your minds with those things that are good and deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable. Put into practice what you learnt and received from me, both from my words and from my actions. And God who fives us peace will be with you”-Philippians 4:8-9

“The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.”-Galatians 5:22

When people look at me, people I may have hurt in the past, strangers in the grocery store, and my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, I want them to see nothing but Christ. I want them to know that the only reason why I am here today, is to spread the Good News and share what The Lord has done in my life. I want them to see love, forgiveness, selflessness, joy, faithfulness, and gentleness. I want them to see that there is no Tanja left, but only The Lord who has brought me where I am today. I want to bear fruit so that others can share a never ending love with the Father. God doesn’t give us the gift of salvation for it to be contained. It is given to us because the world we live in, needs Love. It needs God.

“Whoever does not love does not know God, for God is love.”-1 John 4:8

I have had many recent situations arise where I don’t have the answer everyone is looking for. But I know someone who does. I know God is waiting for you to invite him in so he can work through the circumstances that you may be facing. His plan is so much greater than ours. It is perfect. God sees what is good for everyone, just not us or our love ones. A relationship with Christ, is the answer.

Right now, God is telling me to trust him through every circumstance, even the ones that may seem hopeless. I know our Lord turns even the darkest situations to light. He is the light. Right now, I need to focus on his love, his eyes, and the things of above. I need to focus on his plan, not the enemies.

I’m not sure if the reason I felt led to write this is for myself, or if there is someone out there that needed to know they’re not alone. Im not sure if someone needed to know that Jesus smiles at them more than they think or that he will speak life into the darkest of situations, all you have to do is ask. But, I will continue to pray for those who are struggling in the season they are in. If I may ask, please keep me in your prayers. That he may show is strength and please pray that there’s nothing left of me, but what you see is Christ.


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Coloring & Singing With God

I’ve had a little bit of a writing block these past couple days. I’ve been pretty wore out trying to do things in my own strength to say the least. (Whoops! Can you say convicted & sleepy?) However, Holy Spirit pointed me to scripture to rest in and hold onto. I’ve memorized Philippians 4 for the most part but it just really sank in. 

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”-Philippians 4:6‭-‬9‭, ‬13 NIV

My eyes weren’t on Jesus & on his Kingdom, they were set on the busyness and stresses of life. Papa just ever so gently, lifted my eyes to him and let me know I’m never alone, nor do I need to try to do everything on my own. Focus on him, not what’s going on in the world. Be steadfast through the trials and trust him, thank him, and just spend time in his presence. He wants to spend time with me. 

It’s so funny when he has you come across scripture that you need, a couple days, hours, or maybe even minutes before you face exactly what his word was telling you. He never leaves me to battle un-prepared.

Yesterday, I went home and read a couple faith-based books while carrying on a continual prayer, pulled out a coloring book and turned on some Jesus Jamz & began singing to him (sorry not sorry to my family for serenading them at 2am), read some scripture and just soaked in his presence. All my anxiety, tiredness, and distractions began to dissipate as I just loved on him & spent time with my Father. It was exactly what I needed. 

Sometimes I think I just add so much to my schedule that I slack in my relationship with God. Even though I read scripture every morning & every evening, am I really studying and practicing what The Spirit points out? & how often am I truly talking to God vs. my fiancè or Mom on the phone?

Thank-you Pastor Kim for helping me understand that prayer isn’t as hard as we think it is. That the enemy just wants us to think it’s hard to get into conversation with God when really we just need to open our mouth. 

Even though I have had alot of growth over the past 17 months (All thanks to God!), I desire to grow closer to my Father. One of the things I’ve learned on my walk thus far that God’s love has no end. It continues to run deeper than I could ever imagine. Sometimes I just need to love on him a little more.