Here is the latest pages of my 2018 BuJo. I absolutely love them.
Holy Spirit has really laid it on my heart that not only is it important to be healthy spiritually (reading, studying, mediating on the word, prayer, fasting) but also to be healthy physically. Our bodies are temporary vessel’s however they are a temple. I am not trying to lost weight, but be healthy. I may lose weight in the process but that isn’t my goal. Hence the tape over the weigh in of 2018! This means less sweets, more water, and a whole lot more exercise.
As I read the book about Spiritual Disciplines I have been reminded how important it is to meditate on The Word Of God. I sometimes read scripture at a pace that is just allowing me to read, not study and meditate.
What tools do you use to help your spiritual and physical health?
I’m not sure how many people that are following, bullet journal or just journal in general. Journaling is a passion of mine, along with writing! My journal is a little messy, but it’s how I like it🤷♀️I wrote down a couple goals on the left and in the right in the Key is the word I’m hoping to keep close to my heart all year😁 Steadfast💕 I wrote a couple verses along the side to help me on days where it may be difficult😌 Anyone else have a word to focus on this year?
Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.
What do you go to for comfort when you’ve had a bad day? Food, your warm fuzzy blanket, a beer, a shopping spree at hobby lobby, your friends, the gym, even your spouse?
When something happens, who is the first person you want to talk to? Do you talk to Abba or do you call your spouse or best friend?
When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first thing you do? Do you talk to Abba and ask what is on his agenda? Do you spend time with him and put on your armor for the day?
“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [money, possessions, fame, status, or whatever is valued more than the Lord].”
MATTHEW 6:24 AM
What is taking away from your time with God? Are you putting anything before him?
Ask Holy Spirit to reveal it to you.
I often hear how “busy” we are and how we “don’t have time” for God. Walking with Christ is intentional and choosing him and his way should be apart of our life every single day. I don’t care if you ask him what kind of bread you should get, he is just happy to spend time with you.
When I first started walking with God… he wasn’t first in my life. My whole life and everything in it was completely out of wack. I chose many things, and people, that I thought would complete me. Things I thought would help fill the void that I constantly felt. But really, when we focus on him and die to ourself, is really when we start living.
“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.”
Luke 9:23 NLT
If you are trying to follow someone you don’t know, I can understand that it can be scary…
But, the only way to get to know him, just like anyone else, is by spending time with him. Once you focus on Abba, things begin to fall into place. Things you didn’t have strength to do, he gives you the strength for. He shows you what pure love is and how to love those who need it the most. He shows you the perfect plan for your life. God gives you purpose. If we could just stop, and really focus on what’s important, God, life here on earth would be so much better.
If I can just encourage you to dig a little deeper, or if you don’t know God at all to talk to him like he’s your best friend, I assure you that you won’t be disappointed.
“In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:12-13 NLT
Before you start reading this…hear me out…read it all the way through.
The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep.”
John 10:10-11 NLT
“God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.”
John 3:17 NLT
“God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.”
1 John 4:9-10 NLT
“So Jesus told them this story: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!”
Luke 15:3-7 NLT
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”
Romans 8:38 NLT
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”
2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT
These are just a few of many verses that shows Abba’s love for us. Before I started my walk with God, I was looking for love in all the wrong places…I mean all of them. I would try to fill this void in my heart with whatever I could get my hands on…boyfriends, drinking and drugs, food, a promotion at work, money, friends, popularity, and yes, even social media. No matter what I did, I was never satisfied. I knew in my heart there was something more. I didn’t understand. Now, most of the things I listed above are what the world thinks as “bad”. If you try to fill the void of God’s love with anything, including your spouse, bodybuilding, healthy eating, a productive hobby, etc….it becomes a bad things. Some things that are really good for us can become an idol, something that we put before God which in turn, can turn out really bad. My point of this post is that really what our world is looking for is love…and God is love. (1 John 4:8) We are all searching for a deep intimate relationship with Abba.
What I love about God is that he believes that bringing one of us home to the Kingdom of God, is of great importance. He is a good father that doesn’t want anyone to perish. He looks at us as his masterpieces. He looks at us with love and tells us we are worthy of love. We are made to be loved. I heard that “we are made to be loved.” & I was like ugh….Abba, my heart.
When my relationship with God first started really developing, I was blown away with how many lies the thief, aka satan, aka, the enemy, had snuck into my life. Everything I believed about God was untrue. I had to let go of who I thought he was & who I thought I was. I began to read and study the word daily, praying more than I ever before, and started having fellowship with other people following Jesus, and I started to understand my identity.
I am a Child of God.
Before really pursuing my relationship I was searching and searching, trying to fill the void, and really I just needed God. I needed his true, pure, reckless love. I can speak about his love for me all day long. I know that he loves you too. But, getting to know his love is something you have to do. By this I mean, his love is individualized. He loves you and every “flaw” you think you have. His love never changes no matter the mistake you may make or what your past looks like. God loves you no matter where you are at in this very moment. He is willing to leave the 99 to come get the one. Are you the one?
His love doesn’t just stop at me, it doesn’t just stop at you…he uses all the things we’ve been through for the good. He uses it to help others that may be struggling. To me, that is so beautiful. How his love just travels and travels through people and for all generations to come.
Like I said, I can speak about God’s love for you all day long, but it’s for you to decide to get to know him on that intimate level.
I know we will never reach the depth of his love here on earth…and I think that’s one of the things that really sets a fire inside of my soul. I can just keep reaching out to him and he keeps pouring his love back upon me. We can never outgive God. His love is overwhelming to the point of tears of joy. His love is reckless and is unstoppable. His love is constant. His love is everything I’ve ever needed and more. Thank-you Abba for who you are.
