God laid it on my heart these past couple days to talk about how Jesus isn’t looking for us to “get clean” before we ask him in our life. Neither should the church you attend. The church you attend should be showing the love of Jesus by meeting you where you are at, sins and all. None of us our perfect. None.
I have went to different churches with different denominations. Where I have learned the most is where I felt the love of Jesus and was taught biblical principles. I’ve never learned something out of fear or condemnation. We know that fear nor condemnation come from God. Love casts out all fear and God is Love. There’s a big difference between conviction and condemnation. Condemnation is overwhelming guilt that pushes you away from God. Where conviction is where Holy Spirit points out you have something to work on in your heart through love.
When I went back to church in 2015, I was sick and in need of a doctor. In other words, I was consumed by the enemies lies, what people portrayed God to be, overwhelmed by the heaviness of my sin, and just came home from the bar a couple hours before while still battling a pill addiction. I stepped into The River and was very timid and didn’t really want to talk or be seen by anyone. However, I was stopped by 4 amazing women that day that I still love to this day. They knew that I was struggling but loved me anyways, just as Jesus does. I walked into worship and it was completely different than anything I had ever saw. People were free. They held up their hands praising God, weeping, and laying hands on one another. And then Holy Spirit hit me….Like right in the face. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about! The song we were singing was talking about was about breaking free from addiction and depression.
I am unsure why there is this lie floating around that Jesus expects you to be white as snow when you come to him…probably just one of satans tactics…But, if we were clean and not in need of a doctor, God wouldn’t of went Jesus to die for us. It’s never too late to come to God & you’re never too dirty to come to him either.
“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord . “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.
Isaiah 1:18 NLT
“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”
1 John 4:18 NLT
We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.
1 John 4:16 NLT
Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.
What do you go to for comfort when you’ve had a bad day? Food, your warm fuzzy blanket, a beer, a shopping spree at hobby lobby, your friends, the gym, even your spouse?
When something happens, who is the first person you want to talk to? Do you talk to Abba or do you call your spouse or best friend?
When you wake up in the morning, what is the very first thing you do? Do you talk to Abba and ask what is on his agenda? Do you spend time with him and put on your armor for the day?
“No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon [money, possessions, fame, status, or whatever is valued more than the Lord].”
MATTHEW 6:24 AM
What is taking away from your time with God? Are you putting anything before him?
Ask Holy Spirit to reveal it to you.
I often hear how “busy” we are and how we “don’t have time” for God. Walking with Christ is intentional and choosing him and his way should be apart of our life every single day. I don’t care if you ask him what kind of bread you should get, he is just happy to spend time with you.
When I first started walking with God… he wasn’t first in my life. My whole life and everything in it was completely out of wack. I chose many things, and people, that I thought would complete me. Things I thought would help fill the void that I constantly felt. But really, when we focus on him and die to ourself, is really when we start living.
“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.”
Luke 9:23 NLT
If you are trying to follow someone you don’t know, I can understand that it can be scary…
But, the only way to get to know him, just like anyone else, is by spending time with him. Once you focus on Abba, things begin to fall into place. Things you didn’t have strength to do, he gives you the strength for. He shows you what pure love is and how to love those who need it the most. He shows you the perfect plan for your life. God gives you purpose. If we could just stop, and really focus on what’s important, God, life here on earth would be so much better.
If I can just encourage you to dig a little deeper, or if you don’t know God at all to talk to him like he’s your best friend, I assure you that you won’t be disappointed.
“In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” Jeremiah 29:12-13 NLT
Back when I was in elementary school I was always really excited when someone chose me to be on their kickball team. In high school, I was ecstatic when I finally was chose to play on the volleyball team. I am now, thankful, my husband chooses to love me every single day. We all love the feeling of being accepted and that someone wants us.
Did you know God chose YOU?
“For you are a holy people [set apart] to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be a people for His own possession [that is, His very special treasure].”
DEUTERONOMY 7:6 AMP
Chose:
eklégomai (from 1537/ek, “out of” and 3004/légō, “speaking to a conclusion”)
properly, to select (choose) out of, by a highly deliberate choice (i.e. real heart-preference) with a definite outcome (as with the destination of divine selection for salvation).
The same guy who made the earth with all its beautiful landscape decided he needed one of you too.
To me, I’m just like wow, really? You, the guy who can say “Let there be light!” & there was light, needed me!?!?!?
I feel like the world we live in thinks that we choose him…
That we are higher than God…
Like being a Child of God, in a sense, is a choice…
Which to a certain extent it is, because God gave us free will. He gave us free will to choose to love him, choose to live in his presence and to choose to abide by his will.
Many of you know part of my testimony. Dealing with mental illness and the suicidal thoughts that went with them for most of my life. I look back now and realize that I can now help the lost and broken because of everything I’ve went through. If I would’ve taken my life all every time I wanted to, I wouldn’t have seen the miracles happen before me. I wouldn’t of been able to have been healed and live my life without tormenting thoughts. I wouldn’t have been able to have been healed of the abuse and trauma. I wouldn’t be able to help others who have been through the exact same thing and are in the position I once was is. I realize, even though God doesn’t want his children to hurt, that I would go through everything all over again just to help people know who God truly is. I realize that God chose me. That I am worthy of love, laughter, and joyfulness. I am worth so much more than what the enemy snuck in and told me I was worth. If I committed suicide, I wouldn’t of lived to see my prayers answered to marry Brad. A couple people know, but most of you don’t… When I was lost, I prayed for this man to be my husband. I saw something in him that I was attracted to. Now I know, that it was Christ. If I committed suicide I would’ve never moved to Louisiana and I wouldn’t have my dreams begin to unfold before my eyes.
God chose you because he knows how much this crazy world can benefit from you being in it!
God chose you because he accepts you exactly where you are in life.
God chose you because he loves you.
God chose you because other people need you to help them exactly what you’ve been through or gone through.
God chose you because he sees what amazingly beautiful things you can do!
The list is endless of why God chose you.
It still blows my mind to this day to think that God chose me to be his daughter. God is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I pray that if you haven’t invited God into your life that you do so. He wants to love on you like you’ve never been loved on before. His love is pure. If you do know God I pray that you meditate in the beauty of being his child and chosen by him. It’s truly beautiful when you think about it!
Scripture:
“For you are a holy people [set apart] to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be a people for His own possession [that is, His very special treasure].”
DEUTERONOMY 7:6 AMP
“You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed and placed and purposefully planted you, so that you would go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit will remain and be lasting, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name [as My representative] He may give to you.”
JOHN 15:16 AMP
“So then you are no longer strangers and aliens [outsiders without rights of citizenship], but you are fellow citizens with the saints (God’s people), and are [members] of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus Himself as the [chief] Cornerstone, in whom the whole structure is joined together, and it continues [to increase] growing into a holy temple in the Lord [a sanctuary dedicated, set apart, and sacred to the presence of the Lord]. In Him [and in fellowship with one another] you also are being built together into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.”
EPHESIANS 2:19-22 AMP
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love, having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.”
Ephesians 1:3-6 NKJV
Self-Reflection Questions:
What do you think God thinks of you?
What does it mean to you to be chosen by God?
Are your thoughts of yourself as precious as what God thinks of you?
If you have any thoughts of suicide or self-harm please reach out for help. I know what it’s like! I am also free to talk!
