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Getting Real With God-Feeling Forsaken In The Darkest Hour

Losing our child has been devastating. It has been something that has made me ask the hard questions. It’s made me question the goodness of God and his faithfulness. Mainly because we do not understand why. I did cry out to God in the midst to help me, help our child. I did ask him to raise our baby from the dead in faith.

If faith could’ve saved our baby, he would still be here.

So here we are, wondering how such a great God could let us suffer through this. I was angry, hurt, sad, and quite confused. But God came to my rescue once again after I got real with what was going on inside of my heart.

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”
Matthew 27:46 NKJV

Jesus, God’s child, hung on the cross and asked the same question. “God, why have you forsaken me?”. So why did I feel such guilt for asking the same question? The devil does not stop when you are at your weakest, he goes in harder. He wants nothing more than to make me believe the lies that God is not good and he is not there. My circumstances make it seems like these things are true. Like Jesus, the pain is so deep that it is hard to see past it.

For me, It has always been easy to hear God. I love him, I love his word, and have dedicated myself to communion with him. When I was pouring out blood in the cold bathroom, having contractions, crying out to God in pain, he was oddly quiet.

Where are you God?

God, my God! Why would you abandon me now? Why do you remain distant, refusing to answer my tearful cries in the day and my desperate cries for your help in the night? I can’t stop sobbing. Where are you, my God? Yet I know that you are most holy; it’s indisputable. You are God-Enthroned, surrounded with songs, living among the shouts of praise of your princely people.
Psalms 22:1‭-‬3 TPT

It has been four days and I am still crying out the same way. Where are you? I need you. I know who you are, just say the word. Help me. Rescue me.

Besides losing a child this is hard because I had an expectation for our baby to happy and healthy. I had an expectation for things not to be this way. Right now, I don’t see good fruit.

Where are you God?

He’s here with me. He is reminding me that he is weeping as I weep. He is reminding me that he gave up his son to close the gap to have a relationship with him and that was painful for him to endure. God has shown me that having lost children here on earth is just as painful as losing our child. Which has shown me how big and strong he is. God has never left. However, the devils lies seem believable. He is a great liar. He twists the truth and he is working overtime to have us turn away from God and run right into his plan to kill, steal, and destroy.

God told me I was chosen for this. One of the things I asked him was if I was ‘chosen to have a miscarriage’. While yes, I miscarried. Changing my perspective from an earthly perspective to a heavenly one has shifted my heart. I wasn’t chosen to have a miscarriage, I was chosen to have a baby in heaven. Our baby, tater tot, will never feel the pain and suffering that we are feeling right now. He woke up in perfection. He will never wander the world, he was born right into Abba’s arms.

We as the church need to stop hiding behind the facade that life isn’t hard. We need to stop hiding behind the mask that God see’s so clearly through and ask him the hard question. If Jesus asked hanging on the cross where he was, feeling forsaken, why wouldn’t I? It was only when I came boldly before the throne, being raw with him, that I felt the burden lift. God’s thoughts and ways are much higher than ours. There are things that we may never understand. Just because you or I questioned why, doesn’t mean that we are straying. Asking the hard questions is a gateway to draw us closer, to know God more intimately.

I am here to give God glory, I promised him when he gave us a child I would. I am keeping my vows to him & he will keep his promises to me. Faith and belief did not save our child because it was God’s plan for our baby to be in heaven. It was God’s purpose for me to share this journey with you. I know it’s not going to be easy.

If you have hard questions, ask God. He is the only one who can give you the truth. When I brought what I was truly feeling to the surface, God’s light shown through. He reminded me of who he is and defeated the lies of the enemy. It is up to us to ask God the hard questions. He is ready for it, he knows our hearts, and our thoughts before we ever speak them. Do not be ashamed, this is only a tactic of the enemy to trap you in lies and carry burdens you were never meant to carry.

Be real. Tell God how you are feeling. This is an invitation for him to remind you of his truth, goodness, and faithfulness even in the darkest of times.

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Protestor’s At The TobyMac Hits Deep Worship Concert

This past weekend my husband and I went to the TobyMac hits deep tour. Outside of the concert while we were waiting in line we were face to face with protestors with signs that said “We will go to hell for our sins” “Repent or go to hell you…*insert every type of sin + er*” as they were quoting scripture OUT of context. I sat there quietly in line praying to God for the people that had such a misconception of the bible. I finally saw the world’s view of God. This very twisted, condemning, not loving, hateful God. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT WHO HE IS!! This, my friends, is what we call satan himself at work, twisting the word of God to make it something hateful instead of the love story to his creation it is.

Am I saying sinning is okay? NO.

Am I saying people won’t go to hell? NO.

Am I the judge? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Does God look at your heart? YES.

What I am saying is, this particular group of people were lost and didn’t understand the word of God. They don’t understand their creator. There was no love in their chants. There was nothing but condemnation. Which is straight from the pits of hell.

As I prayed I asked Holy Spirit what Jesus would do in this situation. What should I do? Should I talk to them? Should I hug them?

Holy Spirit spoke to me and said “look around you”. As I looked around there were people laughing, people making remarks about the love of God, and others that stood there in silence. What Holy Spirit revealed to me in that moment was powerful. As they stand here judging us, most of us were doing the same as them. WHO is called to judge? Not me, not you, not anyone but God. I asked Holy Spirit why they thought the way they did…I asked him to show me them through the eyes of Jesus. He revealed to me that it was generations and generations of the word being twisted all being rooted in fear and darkness. Years of abuse and ancestry curses haunted them. He spoke to me and reminded me that we never know what people deal with at home. I asked Holy Spirit to let me know what I was supposed to do and if I was supposed to speak up, give away hugs, or anything else, just let me know. He let me know that there are people to get those people who were lost out of darkness, but that wasn’t me. By then I had entered inside.

There were many conversations inside about what was going on outside the 4 walls that surrounded us. One included me telling my exact conversation with Holy Spirit to a lady that was eating to the table next to us.  I wasn’t here to gossip. I wasn’t here to slander them. I was here to be the light as God called me to be.

The flesh in me originally wanted to march right up to these people and yell at them about how wrong they were for telling people they were going to hell and judging others. But I would be doing the EXACT SAME thing as them. Trying to be the judge of someone’s sin and pointing fingers when I have no room to do so. I would have spread hate, not the love of God.

Holy Spirit led me on a complete and opposite direction.






As Children of God we are called to LOVE.





Loving One Another

“Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first.If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters.” 1 John 4:7-21 NLT