After hearing the news of 2 very young people from back home taking their own life, God laid it on my heart to speak up and speak life into those who are struggling. You are not alone & you are so loved.
I have had a goal for the past 4 years and it was to get to know God and put him first. I can finally say, in 2017 it has been accomplished. This past year, as it comes to end has shown me who I am in Christ. Nothing is more powerful than knowing your identity in Christ. When I faced trials and tribulations, the more I knew my Papa and declared his promises, the better off I was! I knew throughout 2017:
“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”-Romans 8:28 CSB
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy — dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.-Philippians 4:6-9 CSB
Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God remains in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent his Son as the world’s Savior. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God — God remains in him and he in God. And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.-1 John 4:10-16 CSB
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For the person who does not love his brother or sister whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister.-1 John 4:19-21 CSB
Those are just some of God’s promises that got me through. God has inspired me to write not only this blog, but I am working on a book. He gave me my amazing husband this past year and I got a beautiful puppy this CHRISTmas! God has provided abundantly in my finances and has healed me of Bipolar Disorder. (You can check out the links below to see more on mental health) I’ve saw people find God that I prayed for and other miracles happen before my eyes! The list goes on of how God has blessed me this year.
As this year approaches I want to encourage you to keep a prayer journal to show what Abba has brought you to and through. I also remind you that “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”-Romans 8:37-39 CSB
If we put God at the throne of our hearts where he belongsyou will watch 2018 be one of the best years of your life! I’m telling you this from my experience!
Did you reach any of your goals in 2017? What are some in 2018?
Thankyou to all those who have supported me through this blog. May God bless you abundantly in this next year to come. My hope is for you to grow into a deeper & more intimate relationship this year with Abba. That you always keep him on the throne of your heart. I pray he gives you a boldness to show people who may not know him, what pure love really looks like by showing Christ’s example. I pray you hold onto your lifelines of your relationship with God: his word, prayer, and a church family who loves God, who pushes you to know him more!
Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.
I am so thankful to have God with me every step of the way.
I am thankful for who he is.
I am thankful for the strength he provides me when I am weak.
I am thankful for the plan he has spoken over me and my life.
I love relying on God because he’s constant, he’s dependable, and he always brings the darkest of situations to light.
I have been battling lately. I mean, the enemy hit me so hard today that my body is to the point of physically hurting.
I shouted at the enemy so loud today that I was a child of God that I’m pretty sure he felt a piece of God’s wrath upon him.
Today, I had more than a couple rather poopy situations arise, but God was just like, “Do you trust me?”
And then he was like…
“Watch this turn out for the good!”
If there has been any good coming out of this, seems like forever, season, it is that I really have been tested to trust God and rely on Him. This season is growing me deep founded roots in nothing but The Loving Father. I have learned the importance of prayer and the beauty and power behind his word. I have learned more about who God truly is and my identity. I have learned more in this valley than I ever could’ve in highest point of the mountain top.
With that being said, even with all the body aches, tears, and mistakes I’ve made…
I am so thankful for this season. It has brought me growth and deep rooted understanding.
I know that he is with me wherever I go, with every step I take, speaking life and love into what seems like hopeless situations. I know that I have no reason to worry because he has a plan and has already spoken what is to come and what will be. I know in times like these where I need strength to fight that he will provide me with just that. I know that God is a loving Father and he is here to help me into victory not defeat.
"I used to be a Pharisee. I think I could have been the chief of Pharisees. I had a real religious act going on, but I wasn't really doing anything to truly "imitate" God. At some point, God led me to ask myself: "What am I doing to be more like God? Am I actually helping anybody? Am I just in this thing so God will make my life better?"
When we're in a place of questioning, that's the best place to be. It's a place of constantly striving toward being more like Christ.
As you're striving, don't fall into the trap of perfectionism and self-condemnation. We all make mistakes but the important thing is to be willing to take steps every day toward being more like God." -Joyce Meyer, Promises for Your Everyday Life Devotion
Oh how I am so very blessed to have a Father as great as he to put this in my lap this morning. Perfect timing as usual!
Last night, I was laying in my bathtub, praying, just not understanding why I have been feeling the way I've been feeling. I began to question my motives, thoughts, reactions, behavior, and over all heart these past couple weeks. As I began to align everything up, with the help of Holy Spirit, I began to realize that half my thoughts I had been feeling weren't even of God. How in the world did that happen? The devil has been planting these little lies that later turn into this huge gigantic, out of control, emotional ball of fluff named Tanja.
I began to read John 11 and the story of the Death of Lazarus and one thing really stuck out to me. "Jesus wept." -John 11:35
I've been struggling very heavily with a Spirit of Condemnation for as far as I can remember. When I saw that Our Father hurts when we are hurting & he understands our struggles and doesn't belittle them. I took great comfort in this. Just knowing that even if no one understands in this world, God does.
So needless to say, I have not been exactly showing the character of Christ through many of my actions, because my thoughts didn't line up with who God is. "Oh boy, what a mess.", I began to worry. *Tap, tap, tap* Tanja, that worry, that's not of me either.
Wow, no wonder why I am a hot mess, none of my thoughts are aligned with God's!
Knowing that God loves me and I don't have to worry or be scared about anything and I just need to pray gave me such comfort through this. Holy Spirit pointing out that Jesus cried during the story of Lazarus, helped me understand that God not only understands when we are hurting but he feels it. He's not only a Good Father, but a Friend, Provider, Counselor, and Mentor of who we are called to be.
Growing doesn't happen overnight! The process may be uncomfortable and not in our timing. However, we often learn the most through the valleys and not the mountain tops.
I want to Thank God for reaching out his hand when I asked to get back on track. I want to thank him for who he is and for turning everything out for the good, even through the difficulty I have faced, so that I am able to grow deeper into a relationship with him.
It's not all sunshine & butterflies on this journey. Sometimes a storm comes and makes things a little messy, but the rain makes us grow into the beautiful creation that the Lord has intended us to be.