I went to Pink Impact @ Gateway Church along with some other amazing women of god this weekend. Let me tell you, Holy Spirit taught every single one of us something this past weekend. I have many moments to share but I want to share a vision God painted for me in worship.
He brought me to these very raw moments of hurt. The times I felt lonely and like no one cared. The moments where I felt no one listening. He brought me to moments where I was abused and confused. He brought me to these moments of sorrow where I was sobbing, broken, and where I felt alone. He took me there and showed me Jesus in the background, weeping. His face was in anguish. I saw in his hand a vile of tears. Each tear I dropped was placed in this bottle.
Jesus spoke to me & said, when you felt the loneliest, I was there.
When you weeped and no one saw or cared to understand your pain, I was weeping with you.
My Child, I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. All those times you thought I wasn’t there. I was.
I know every single tear you have cried. I know every reason you have felt hurt. I am who I say I am. & You are who I say you are.
Do not compare me to your earthly father. This will trip you up. Remember when you called me Abba. Remember your first love for me. Remember my goodness. Remember who I am and who you are in me.
As the worship continued I began to weep and realize that I had it all wrong. The times I didn’t understand, the ones that were the most painful, he wasn’t only there….he was weeping with me.
Even if you have the best Dad in the world, understand NOTHING compares to your heavenly Father.
God not only knows what we are going through, he feels it too. He keeps every single tear we have cried in a bottle.
On the flip side, if he can cry when we cry.
He must rejoice when we rejoice. Abba is a good father.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”-Psalm 56:8
“Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”-John 11:34-35 NIV
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”-Psalm 119:76 NIV
After hearing the news of 2 very young people from back home taking their own life, God laid it on my heart to speak up and speak life into those who are struggling. You are not alone & you are so loved.
Here’s the link to the YouTube channel where you can check out the latest updates: Speak Life YouTube Channel
I have really been thinking about my Grandma Dorsey within these past couple weeks. To the point where I woke up out of a deep sleep. I’ve been up since 3:30am, reminiscing all the wonderful memories we shared together. One thing that has really stuck out to me since she passed in October of 2016 is how my relationship with God has flourished. Back in 2016, I was still struggling with addiction. I didn’t know who I was. I struggled with my purpose of why I was even here. In February of that year, I just left Harbor Oaks, a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was saved that February and through the many talks with my Grandmother, she continually loved & supported me in my walk, even with not being at a Catholic Church. She struggled with it for a while. Always telling me how I was welcome back and she knew I would come back. Towards the end of her life here on earth, one thing really stuck with me. It was how she grabbed my hand and said, “Now, you stay at that church. It’s okay. Whatever way you focus on what’s important, that’s okay with me.” My Grandma saw that unity in the church was what God was really after. We were all loving on the same God. We were all loving on Jesus. She also knew and saw the change in me before I ever did, Holy Spirit. When I went before a rather large group of people at her showing, something I said really has continually proved itself over the years.
“If I can love her as much as I love her & she can love me as much as she loves me….I can’t even imagine how much God loves us.”
My grandmother showed me the unconditional love of Jesus. She lived every single day like her eternal life depended on it. My grandmother’s love brought me to having a relationship with God.
When she went home, I could no longer depend on her for understanding of biblical principles. I couldn’t depend on her prayers anymore. What really got me was the fact I couldn’t hear her voice and her wise words every day like I used to. But, her work here was complete.
I really believe God used my Grandmother’s passing, to bring me where I am today. She died to save mine. Just as Jesus died to save us. I know that God works everything out for the good for those that are for him. Even in these instances, death.
In the past 2 years God has completely flipped my life upside down. He has changed me from the inside out. My heart is no longer cold or misunderstood. I have the blood of the most high king pumping through my veins.
I am forgiven.
I am loved.
I am healed.
I am precious in the sight of Abba.
I know my purpose .
I am God’s masterpiece.
I am free.
I am a Child Of God.
If you would’ve asked me where I saw myself in 2 years on Valentine’s Day of February 2016. I couldn’t have been able to tell you because my suicidal thoughts haunted me every single moment of every single day. My past taunted me. I used drugs and alcohol to cope. I looked for my value in other people’s opinions and guys who didn’t care about anything other than what I had to offer physically.
Valentines Day, February of 2018 I am in Louisiana, laying next to my wonderful husband that I prayed for since 2014. (Yes, I prayed for years! Totally worth the wait!) While my puppy that I always wanted is laying on the floor. I am currently being discipled to be a Youth Pastor. I am writing a book along with this blog. I have saw miracles of healing and revelation run through my hands and out of my mouth. Holy Spirit has done some work these past 2 years as God called me to be obedient. I will be returning to college and going to Lee University for Ministry Leadership With Emphasis In Counseling. A dream I had before God was at the throne of my heart is now going to be used for his glory.
If my Grandma wouldn’t of went throught what she went through and went to her eternal home when she did, I’m not sure I’d be here today. If I would’ve successfully taken my life when I wanted to, God wouldn’t of had the chance to make me into something beautiful. I feel like some of the greatest people, with the biggest futures, are blindsided by satans lies and take their own life. If my Grandmother wouldn’t of displayed Christ’s love and continually prayed for me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I have had a goal for the past 4 years and it was to get to know God and put him first. I can finally say, in 2017 it has been accomplished. This past year, as it comes to end has shown me who I am in Christ. Nothing is more powerful than knowing your identity in Christ. When I faced trials and tribulations, the more I knew my Papa and declared his promises, the better off I was! I knew throughout 2017:
“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”-Romans 8:28 CSB
Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy — dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.-Philippians 4:6-9 CSB
Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God remains in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent his Son as the world’s Savior. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God — God remains in him and he in God. And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.-1 John 4:10-16 CSB
We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For the person who does not love his brother or sister whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister.-1 John 4:19-21 CSB
Those are just some of God’s promises that got me through. God has inspired me to write not only this blog, but I am working on a book. He gave me my amazing husband this past year and I got a beautiful puppy this CHRISTmas! God has provided abundantly in my finances and has healed me of Bipolar Disorder. (You can check out the links below to see more on mental health) I’ve saw people find God that I prayed for and other miracles happen before my eyes! The list goes on of how God has blessed me this year.
As this year approaches I want to encourage you to keep a prayer journal to show what Abba has brought you to and through. I also remind you that “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”-Romans 8:37-39 CSB
If we put God at the throne of our hearts where he belongsyou will watch 2018 be one of the best years of your life! I’m telling you this from my experience!
Did you reach any of your goals in 2017? What are some in 2018?
Thankyou to all those who have supported me through this blog. May God bless you abundantly in this next year to come. My hope is for you to grow into a deeper & more intimate relationship this year with Abba. That you always keep him on the throne of your heart. I pray he gives you a boldness to show people who may not know him, what pure love really looks like by showing Christ’s example. I pray you hold onto your lifelines of your relationship with God: his word, prayer, and a church family who loves God, who pushes you to know him more!
Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.
