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All The Times I Thought God Wasn’t There…

I went to Pink Impact @ Gateway Church along with some other amazing women of god this weekend. Let me tell you, Holy Spirit taught every single one of us something this past weekend. I have many moments to share but I want to share a vision God painted for me in worship.

He brought me to these very raw moments of hurt. The times I felt lonely and like no one cared. The moments where I felt no one listening. He brought me to moments where I was abused and confused. He brought me to these moments of sorrow where I was sobbing, broken, and where I felt alone. He took me there and showed me Jesus in the background, weeping. His face was in anguish. I saw in his hand a vile of tears. Each tear I dropped was placed in this bottle.

Jesus spoke to me & said, when you felt the loneliest, I was there.

When you weeped and no one saw or cared to understand your pain, I was weeping with you.

My Child, I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. All those times you thought I wasn’t there. I was.

I know every single tear you have cried. I know every reason you have felt hurt. I am who I say I am. & You are who I say you are.

Do not compare me to your earthly father. This will trip you up. Remember when you called me Abba. Remember your first love for me. Remember my goodness. Remember who I am and who you are in me.

As the worship continued I began to weep and realize that I had it all wrong. The times I didn’t understand, the ones that were the most painful, he wasn’t only there….he was weeping with me.

Even if you have the best Dad in the world, understand NOTHING compares to your heavenly Father.

God not only knows what we are going through, he feels it too. He keeps every single tear we have cried in a bottle.

On the flip side, if he can cry when we cry.

He must rejoice when we rejoice. Abba is a good father.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”-Psalm 56:8

“Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”-John 11:34‭-‬35 NIV

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”-Psalm 119:76 NIV

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-Grandma Dorsey-Why You Impacted My Life On Such A Great Scale-

I have really been thinking about my Grandma Dorsey within these past couple weeks. To the point where I woke up out of a deep sleep. I’ve been up since 3:30am, reminiscing all the wonderful memories we shared together. One thing that has really stuck out to me since she passed in October of 2016 is how my relationship with God has flourished. Back in 2016, I was still struggling with addiction. I didn’t know who I was. I struggled with my purpose of why I was even here. In February of that year, I just left Harbor Oaks, a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was saved that February and through the many talks with my Grandmother, she continually loved & supported me in my walk, even with not being at a Catholic Church. She struggled with it for a while. Always telling me how I was welcome back and she knew I would come back. Towards the end of her life here on earth, one thing really stuck with me. It was how she grabbed my hand and said, “Now, you stay at that church. It’s okay. Whatever way you focus on what’s important, that’s okay with me.” My Grandma saw that unity in the church was what God was really after. We were all loving on the same God. We were all loving on Jesus. She also knew and saw the change in me before I ever did, Holy Spirit. When I went before a rather large group of people at her showing, something I said really has continually proved itself over the years.

“If I can love her as much as I love her & she can love me as much as she loves me….I can’t even imagine how much God loves us.”

My grandmother showed me the unconditional love of Jesus. She lived every single day like her eternal life depended on it. My grandmother’s love brought me to having a relationship with God.

When she went home, I could no longer depend on her for understanding of biblical principles. I couldn’t depend on her prayers anymore. What really got me was the fact I couldn’t hear her voice and her wise words every day like I used to. But, her work here was complete.

I really believe God used my Grandmother’s passing, to bring me where I am today. She died to save mine. Just as Jesus died to save us. I know that God works everything out for the good for those that are for him. Even in these instances, death.

In the past 2 years God has completely flipped my life upside down. He has changed me from the inside out. My heart is no longer cold or misunderstood. I have the blood of the most high king pumping through my veins.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

If you would’ve asked me where I saw myself in 2 years on Valentine’s Day of February 2016. I couldn’t have been able to tell you because my suicidal thoughts haunted me every single moment of every single day. My past taunted me. I used drugs and alcohol to cope. I looked for my value in other people’s opinions and guys who didn’t care about anything other than what I had to offer physically.

Valentines Day, February of 2018 I am in Louisiana, laying next to my wonderful husband that I prayed for since 2014. (Yes, I prayed for years! Totally worth the wait!) While my puppy that I always wanted is laying on the floor. I am currently being discipled to be a Youth Pastor. I am writing a book along with this blog. I have saw miracles of healing and revelation run through my hands and out of my mouth. Holy Spirit has done some work these past 2 years as God called me to be obedient. I will be returning to college and going to Lee University for Ministry Leadership With Emphasis In Counseling. A dream I had before God was at the throne of my heart is now going to be used for his glory.

If my Grandma wouldn’t of went throught what she went through and went to her eternal home when she did, I’m not sure I’d be here today. If I would’ve successfully taken my life when I wanted to, God wouldn’t of had the chance to make me into something beautiful. I feel like some of the greatest people, with the biggest futures, are blindsided by satans lies and take their own life. If my Grandmother wouldn’t of displayed Christ’s love and continually prayed for me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Without God, I am nothing.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

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Looking Back On 2017: WOW!!!

I have had a goal for the past 4 years and it was to get to know God and put him first. I can finally say, in 2017 it has been accomplished. This past year, as it comes to end has shown me who I am in Christ. Nothing is more powerful than knowing your identity in Christ. When I faced trials and tribulations, the more I knew my Papa and declared his promises, the better off I was! I knew throughout 2017:

  • “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”-Romans 8:28 CSB
  • Don’t worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy — dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard from me, and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.-Philippians 4:6‭-‬9 CSB
  • Love consists in this: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us in this way, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. If we love one another, God remains in us and his love is made complete in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and we testify that the Father has sent his Son as the world’s Savior. Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God — God remains in him and he in God. And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.-1 John 4:10‭-‬16 CSB
  • We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God,” and yet hates his brother or sister, he is a liar. For the person who does not love his brother or sister whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And we have this command from him: The one who loves God must also love his brother and sister.-1 John 4:19‭-‬21 CSB

Those are just some of God’s promises that got me through. God has inspired me to write not only this blog, but I am working on a book. He gave me my amazing husband this past year and I got a beautiful puppy this CHRISTmas! God has provided abundantly in my finances and has healed me of Bipolar Disorder. (You can check out the links below to see more on mental health) I’ve saw people find God that I prayed for and other miracles happen before my eyes! The list goes on of how God has blessed me this year.

As this year approaches I want to encourage you to keep a prayer journal to show what Abba has brought you to and through. I also remind you that “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”-Romans 8:37‭-‬39 CSB

If we put God at the throne of our hearts where he belongs you will watch 2018 be one of the best years of your life! I’m telling you this from my experience!

Did you reach any of your goals in 2017? What are some in 2018?

Thankyou to all those who have supported me through this blog. May God bless you abundantly in this next year to come. My hope is for you to grow into a deeper & more intimate relationship this year with Abba. That you always keep him on the throne of your heart. I pray he gives you a boldness to show people who may not know him, what pure love really looks like by showing Christ’s example. I pray you hold onto your lifelines of your relationship with God: his word, prayer, and a church family who loves God, who pushes you to know him more!

Here’s to 2018!

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God Didn’t Call Me To Judge, He Called Me To Love!

As I flipped open to The Book Of James his morning I began to chuckle, admiring the way Holy Spirit works. With God’s timing being ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, who wouldn’t laugh?

I began to read and Holy Spirit started pointing things out to me in a different light that I once never saw them. Now, here I am, sharing with you what I feel led to write.

Let’s skip to Chapter 2, shall we?

It starts with:

“My dear brothers and sisters, how can you claim to have faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ if you favor some people over others?”

‭‭James‬ ‭2:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Do you love everyone on an even plane? No matter their race, sexuality, economic status, hair color, car they drive, how many kids they have, divorced, not divorced, how they may have treated us in the past, we are not called to judge, but to love our neighbor as ourself.

I feel we all struggle sometimes with this one. Not understanding how to love, knowing what love is, causes every word that comes from our mouth, worthless.(1Corinthians 13:1).Not showing favoritism also includes people that may have really hurt you in the past. If you are sitting on the other side of the screen thinking, “oh this definitely isn’t me”, I truly believe we can always love a little deeper than the day before. I struggle at times letting go of past hurt, trying not to show partiality to someone who has never hurt me when in comparison to someone that may have left some scars or said something when they were angry in spite, knowing it would hurt me. However, I have needed forgiveness for many things I have done in my life. Others deserve forgiveness too. Forgiveness sets you free.

I really enjoy writing this blog. Even if no one else needed to hear this, I still grew a deeper understanding.

I don’t understand racism. I don’t understand discrimination based on your sexuality or gender either. Once again, God didn’t call me to judge, he called me to love.

“Yes indeed, it is good when you obey the royal law as found in the Scriptures: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you favor some people over others, you are committing a sin. You are guilty of breaking the law. For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws. For the same God who said, “You must not commit adultery,” also said, “You must not murder.” So if you murder someone but do not commit adultery, you have still broken the law. So whatever you say or whatever you do, remember that you will be judged by the law that sets you free. There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when he judges you.”

‭‭James‬ ‭2:8-13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God is a lover. The ultimate lover. Thinking that God was a condemning God was one of the strongholds the enemy had on me. When you invite God into your life, you learn continually. You have to unlearn things, break out of bondage and start walking in freedom. You learn that love is supernatural. God is love. God is also a merciful God. He knows we are going to take a wrong turn even before we take it, and he’s here to forgive and keep cheering for us, coaching us to follow the example of Christ and apply the word to our daily life.

With recent events, I deleted the Facebook app off my phone. I have it on my iPad still. I was so tired of all the hate. I understand that people are hurting one another, in more ways then one…However, are you speaking life into people who don’t know what true love is? Or are you supporting the enemy by spreading negativity throughout the feeds of millions? We are in a world that doesn’t know how Love. They don’t know God. Whenever someone hurts me or at least attempts to, I just keep in mind that it’s a heart problem and we aren’t in a war against flesh and blood, but of rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

Weekend Challenge:

If you read this post and somewhere in here Holy Spirit has convicted you of something, ask Abba to forgive you, turn in the opposite direction, and put into practice what you’ve learned. If you feel like you’re great at loving others, that’s awesome! But I challenge you to ask God how you can love others a little deeper. With God’s love, it’s endless. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. -Ephesians 5:1-2