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All The Times I Thought God Wasn’t There…

I went to Pink Impact @ Gateway Church along with some other amazing women of god this weekend. Let me tell you, Holy Spirit taught every single one of us something this past weekend. I have many moments to share but I want to share a vision God painted for me in worship.

He brought me to these very raw moments of hurt. The times I felt lonely and like no one cared. The moments where I felt no one listening. He brought me to moments where I was abused and confused. He brought me to these moments of sorrow where I was sobbing, broken, and where I felt alone. He took me there and showed me Jesus in the background, weeping. His face was in anguish. I saw in his hand a vile of tears. Each tear I dropped was placed in this bottle.

Jesus spoke to me & said, when you felt the loneliest, I was there.

When you weeped and no one saw or cared to understand your pain, I was weeping with you.

My Child, I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. All those times you thought I wasn’t there. I was.

I know every single tear you have cried. I know every reason you have felt hurt. I am who I say I am. & You are who I say you are.

Do not compare me to your earthly father. This will trip you up. Remember when you called me Abba. Remember your first love for me. Remember my goodness. Remember who I am and who you are in me.

As the worship continued I began to weep and realize that I had it all wrong. The times I didn’t understand, the ones that were the most painful, he wasn’t only there….he was weeping with me.

Even if you have the best Dad in the world, understand NOTHING compares to your heavenly Father.

God not only knows what we are going through, he feels it too. He keeps every single tear we have cried in a bottle.

On the flip side, if he can cry when we cry.

He must rejoice when we rejoice. Abba is a good father.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”-Psalm 56:8

“Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”-John 11:34‭-‬35 NIV

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”-Psalm 119:76 NIV

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You Don’t Have To Live With This Pain Any Longer-YouTube Video

After hearing the news of 2 very young people from back home taking their own life, God laid it on my heart to speak up and speak life into those who are struggling. You are not alone & you are so loved.

Here’s the link to the YouTube channel where you can check out the latest updates: Speak Life YouTube Channel

Direct Link To Today’s Video: You Don’t Have To Live With This Pain Any Longer

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If you are more of a reader like me, here’s part of my testimony shared right here on Speak Life-SCLNMWYG: The Day God Saved Me From Suicide

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-Grandma Dorsey-Why You Impacted My Life On Such A Great Scale-

I have really been thinking about my Grandma Dorsey within these past couple weeks. To the point where I woke up out of a deep sleep. I’ve been up since 3:30am, reminiscing all the wonderful memories we shared together. One thing that has really stuck out to me since she passed in October of 2016 is how my relationship with God has flourished. Back in 2016, I was still struggling with addiction. I didn’t know who I was. I struggled with my purpose of why I was even here. In February of that year, I just left Harbor Oaks, a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was saved that February and through the many talks with my Grandmother, she continually loved & supported me in my walk, even with not being at a Catholic Church. She struggled with it for a while. Always telling me how I was welcome back and she knew I would come back. Towards the end of her life here on earth, one thing really stuck with me. It was how she grabbed my hand and said, “Now, you stay at that church. It’s okay. Whatever way you focus on what’s important, that’s okay with me.” My Grandma saw that unity in the church was what God was really after. We were all loving on the same God. We were all loving on Jesus. She also knew and saw the change in me before I ever did, Holy Spirit. When I went before a rather large group of people at her showing, something I said really has continually proved itself over the years.

“If I can love her as much as I love her & she can love me as much as she loves me….I can’t even imagine how much God loves us.”

My grandmother showed me the unconditional love of Jesus. She lived every single day like her eternal life depended on it. My grandmother’s love brought me to having a relationship with God.

When she went home, I could no longer depend on her for understanding of biblical principles. I couldn’t depend on her prayers anymore. What really got me was the fact I couldn’t hear her voice and her wise words every day like I used to. But, her work here was complete.

I really believe God used my Grandmother’s passing, to bring me where I am today. She died to save mine. Just as Jesus died to save us. I know that God works everything out for the good for those that are for him. Even in these instances, death.

In the past 2 years God has completely flipped my life upside down. He has changed me from the inside out. My heart is no longer cold or misunderstood. I have the blood of the most high king pumping through my veins.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

If you would’ve asked me where I saw myself in 2 years on Valentine’s Day of February 2016. I couldn’t have been able to tell you because my suicidal thoughts haunted me every single moment of every single day. My past taunted me. I used drugs and alcohol to cope. I looked for my value in other people’s opinions and guys who didn’t care about anything other than what I had to offer physically.

Valentines Day, February of 2018 I am in Louisiana, laying next to my wonderful husband that I prayed for since 2014. (Yes, I prayed for years! Totally worth the wait!) While my puppy that I always wanted is laying on the floor. I am currently being discipled to be a Youth Pastor. I am writing a book along with this blog. I have saw miracles of healing and revelation run through my hands and out of my mouth. Holy Spirit has done some work these past 2 years as God called me to be obedient. I will be returning to college and going to Lee University for Ministry Leadership With Emphasis In Counseling. A dream I had before God was at the throne of my heart is now going to be used for his glory.

If my Grandma wouldn’t of went throught what she went through and went to her eternal home when she did, I’m not sure I’d be here today. If I would’ve successfully taken my life when I wanted to, God wouldn’t of had the chance to make me into something beautiful. I feel like some of the greatest people, with the biggest futures, are blindsided by satans lies and take their own life. If my Grandmother wouldn’t of displayed Christ’s love and continually prayed for me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Without God, I am nothing.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

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*Insert Title Here*

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”-Isaiah 55:6-11 CSB

When I read this passage of scripture there are a couple things that stand out to me. One being, when we pray the word of God, it will not return empty and will achieve it’s purpose. With that being said, we should not only be mediating on the Word of God, we should be speaking it aloud in our prayer life as well. When I started doing this, my whole life changed. I saw how truly ALIVE & WELL the Word of God really is. The bible is a book of promises that he wants you to ask him for through prayer with an expecting heart.

The other part that really stood out to me was the “for my thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are higher than your ways”, when just above in verse 6-7 the passage talks about the sinner and his thoughts. What I gather from this is that when we don’t renew our minds each day and do not meditate on the word to not only memorize but put into practice, our thoughts won’t be godly. Our thought pattern will gradually shift to our old ways before we asked Jesus to be the Lord of our life. It actually talks about this in Colossians

Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory. So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming. You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.“-Colossians 3:1-10

How do we get to know our creator and become like him? Spending time with him! We are told to line up our thoughts and  live with the way Jesus lived. Jesus was God in flesh who didn’t sin even though he was tempted just like us. Holy Spirit is inside of you, waiting to show you the next step in your walk. How to obey his word and to be obedient and see miracles and heavenly things before your eyes. Yes, the word of God talks a lot about “putting to death” our old ways. When being obedient to God’s word I have never regretted putting into practice what it says. Was it easy all the time? Of course not! Even so, when I started implementing the scripture I meditated and memorized, the load became a lot lighter.

If you are stressed about reading your bible? Can I just shout from the roof top that is the devil himself trying to stop you from having freedom…THAT GUY…*rolls eyes* If you are having a problem finding a place to start, pray and ask Holy Spirit to guide you. I often flip open to a page and it is exactly what I needed at that moment. If you don’t understand Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and understanding of what you are reading. Even if you think you understand what you are reading, ask Holy Spirit for a deeper, more heavenly perspective. That is how this article came about! If you get distracted when you begin to read your word and pray…there’s that devil again…you are not alone. When I first got Kylie I was struggling to dedicate as much time to God as I normally did before. This girl used to go pee every 20 minutes!! My husband and I began to pray that she would be convicted to not pee on the floor. It probably sounds silly, but it worked for a while and her bladder became stronger as she got older! Pray about the distractions! If you are easily distracted like me, a tool that helped me was putting on Christian music in the background so no matter if I traveled to the background, focus on God was there. If you are worried…let me just drop this little truth piece below:

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”-Philippians 4:6-8

There is nothing God wants more than to spend time with you and for you to have the supernatural peace, freedom, and pure love he has to offer. When we start to take those thoughts captive and line them up with biblical truth, our thoughts patterns change. When our thoughts change, our hearts change. When our hearts change to be more godly and holy, our whole entire life changes. You have the tools and the truth to fight off whatever the enemy decides to throw at you. We are in a spiritual war we need to be equipped for. Being Christ-like is the goal. The only way to get there is to get to know who he is.

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