My mind was filled with racing thoughts, and a great weight of anxiety was laid upon my chest today. I couldn’t seem to get this spirit to go away! I was speaking scripture aloud, but even as I was speaking the verses I know so well, the weight wouldn’t go away. I began praying.
“Abba, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. What do I do?” I asked.
All I had the urge to do was paint. I knew this was Holy Spirit telling me to paint, even though I had no idea why nor what I was going to paint. My first thought was Christmas. Then, I realized how much I used to enjoy painting before I went into a depressive state where all the things I once enjoyed were a lost cause.
I brought out my supplies and sat them down on the table. I spilled the glass filled with water, all over my table and kitchen floor. Holy Spirit quickly intervened! Once upon a time, I would’ve griped and groaned about this mess I had made. NOT TODAY SATAN!
I sat there and asked God what I should paint. The first thing that I heard was the lyrics from “Reckless Love” By: Bethel Music.
“When I felt no worth you paid it all for me.”
It brought me back to all the years I felt no love even in the midst of a crowded room filled with family and friends. When I felt no worth, no matter how much love I poured out to others. It temporarily made me feel a little better, but soon the thoughts came rushing in.
“I will always feel this alone.” “No one understands, nor will they ever will.” “They don’t even try to understand my mental illness.” “Why do I have to go through this?” “Why wont my brain just shut off!?” “Why do they treat me that way when I just try to love them?” “How many times am I going to get hurt?” “I just want the pain to go away.” “I wish I didn’t feel like this.” “I want to kill myself, but I don’t want to hurt the people that love me.”
These are all very real thoughts that played over and over and over again in my mind.
It takes me to the day that I was saved. (If you would like to read more on the day God saved me from suicide, click the link below. It will take you to that post!)
The Day God Saved Me From Suicide
The day my life began to transform into what it is today. Jesus died on the cross to save people like you and me. By his stripes, I was healed of mental illness, ongoing abuse, and I am forgiven!
If that wasn’t enough, we were given Holy Spirit, a piece of heaven to live inside us. To guide every single decision we make, to give us wisdom and revelation.
When I think of Abba and his “Reckless Love” I can’t help but cry out of thankfulness. There’s nothing like his pure, unconditional, reckless love!
I’ve never painted something that made me cry until today.
I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do.
All Glory to God, Forever & Ever!