Tag: Addiction

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All The Times I Thought God Wasn’t There…

I went to Pink Impact @ Gateway Church along with some other amazing women of god this weekend. Let me tell you, Holy Spirit taught every single one of us something this past weekend. I have many moments to share but I want to share a vision God painted for me in worship.

He brought me to these very raw moments of hurt. The times I felt lonely and like no one cared. The moments where I felt no one listening. He brought me to moments where I was abused and confused. He brought me to these moments of sorrow where I was sobbing, broken, and where I felt alone. He took me there and showed me Jesus in the background, weeping. His face was in anguish. I saw in his hand a vile of tears. Each tear I dropped was placed in this bottle.

Jesus spoke to me & said, when you felt the loneliest, I was there.

When you weeped and no one saw or cared to understand your pain, I was weeping with you.

My Child, I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. All those times you thought I wasn’t there. I was.

I know every single tear you have cried. I know every reason you have felt hurt. I am who I say I am. & You are who I say you are.

Do not compare me to your earthly father. This will trip you up. Remember when you called me Abba. Remember your first love for me. Remember my goodness. Remember who I am and who you are in me.

As the worship continued I began to weep and realize that I had it all wrong. The times I didn’t understand, the ones that were the most painful, he wasn’t only there….he was weeping with me.

Even if you have the best Dad in the world, understand NOTHING compares to your heavenly Father.

God not only knows what we are going through, he feels it too. He keeps every single tear we have cried in a bottle.

On the flip side, if he can cry when we cry.

He must rejoice when we rejoice. Abba is a good father.

“You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.”-Psalm 56:8

“Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”-John 11:34‭-‬35 NIV

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”-Psalm 119:76 NIV

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Defeating The Lie: I’m Not Clean Enough To Get To Know God

God laid it on my heart these past couple days to talk about how Jesus isn’t looking for us to “get clean” before we ask him in our life. Neither should the church you attend. The church you attend should be showing the love of Jesus by meeting you where you are at, sins and all. None of us our perfect. None.

I have went to different churches with different denominations. Where I have learned the most is where I felt the love of Jesus and was taught biblical principles. I’ve never learned something out of fear or condemnation. We know that fear nor condemnation come from God. Love casts out all fear and God is Love. There’s a big difference between conviction and condemnation. Condemnation is overwhelming guilt that pushes you away from God. Where conviction is where Holy Spirit points out you have something to work on in your heart through love.

When I went back to church in 2015, I was sick and in need of a doctor. In other words, I was consumed by the enemies lies, what people portrayed God to be, overwhelmed by the heaviness of my sin, and just came home from the bar a couple hours before while still battling a pill addiction. I stepped into The River and was very timid and didn’t really want to talk or be seen by anyone. However, I was stopped by 4 amazing women that day that I still love to this day. They knew that I was struggling but loved me anyways, just as Jesus does. I walked into worship and it was completely different than anything I had ever saw. People were free. They held up their hands praising God, weeping, and laying hands on one another. And then Holy Spirit hit me….Like right in the face. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about! The song we were singing was talking about was about breaking free from addiction and depression.

I am unsure why there is this lie floating around that Jesus expects you to be white as snow when you come to him…probably just one of satans tactics…But, if we were clean and not in need of a doctor, God wouldn’t of went Jesus to die for us. It’s never too late to come to God & you’re never too dirty to come to him either.

“Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord . “Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.
Isaiah 1:18 NLT

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.”
1 John 4:18 NLT

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.
1 John 4:16 NLT

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-Grandma Dorsey-Why You Impacted My Life On Such A Great Scale-

I have really been thinking about my Grandma Dorsey within these past couple weeks. To the point where I woke up out of a deep sleep. I’ve been up since 3:30am, reminiscing all the wonderful memories we shared together. One thing that has really stuck out to me since she passed in October of 2016 is how my relationship with God has flourished. Back in 2016, I was still struggling with addiction. I didn’t know who I was. I struggled with my purpose of why I was even here. In February of that year, I just left Harbor Oaks, a hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was saved that February and through the many talks with my Grandmother, she continually loved & supported me in my walk, even with not being at a Catholic Church. She struggled with it for a while. Always telling me how I was welcome back and she knew I would come back. Towards the end of her life here on earth, one thing really stuck with me. It was how she grabbed my hand and said, “Now, you stay at that church. It’s okay. Whatever way you focus on what’s important, that’s okay with me.” My Grandma saw that unity in the church was what God was really after. We were all loving on the same God. We were all loving on Jesus. She also knew and saw the change in me before I ever did, Holy Spirit. When I went before a rather large group of people at her showing, something I said really has continually proved itself over the years.

“If I can love her as much as I love her & she can love me as much as she loves me….I can’t even imagine how much God loves us.”

My grandmother showed me the unconditional love of Jesus. She lived every single day like her eternal life depended on it. My grandmother’s love brought me to having a relationship with God.

When she went home, I could no longer depend on her for understanding of biblical principles. I couldn’t depend on her prayers anymore. What really got me was the fact I couldn’t hear her voice and her wise words every day like I used to. But, her work here was complete.

I really believe God used my Grandmother’s passing, to bring me where I am today. She died to save mine. Just as Jesus died to save us. I know that God works everything out for the good for those that are for him. Even in these instances, death.

In the past 2 years God has completely flipped my life upside down. He has changed me from the inside out. My heart is no longer cold or misunderstood. I have the blood of the most high king pumping through my veins.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

If you would’ve asked me where I saw myself in 2 years on Valentine’s Day of February 2016. I couldn’t have been able to tell you because my suicidal thoughts haunted me every single moment of every single day. My past taunted me. I used drugs and alcohol to cope. I looked for my value in other people’s opinions and guys who didn’t care about anything other than what I had to offer physically.

Valentines Day, February of 2018 I am in Louisiana, laying next to my wonderful husband that I prayed for since 2014. (Yes, I prayed for years! Totally worth the wait!) While my puppy that I always wanted is laying on the floor. I am currently being discipled to be a Youth Pastor. I am writing a book along with this blog. I have saw miracles of healing and revelation run through my hands and out of my mouth. Holy Spirit has done some work these past 2 years as God called me to be obedient. I will be returning to college and going to Lee University for Ministry Leadership With Emphasis In Counseling. A dream I had before God was at the throne of my heart is now going to be used for his glory.

If my Grandma wouldn’t of went throught what she went through and went to her eternal home when she did, I’m not sure I’d be here today. If I would’ve successfully taken my life when I wanted to, God wouldn’t of had the chance to make me into something beautiful. I feel like some of the greatest people, with the biggest futures, are blindsided by satans lies and take their own life. If my Grandmother wouldn’t of displayed Christ’s love and continually prayed for me, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Without God, I am nothing.

I am forgiven.

I am loved.

I am healed.

I am precious in the sight of Abba.

I know my purpose .

I am God’s masterpiece.

I am free.

I am a Child Of God.

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My First Trip To New Orleans

As we traveled down the streets of New Orleans this week, I was overwhelmed with compassion as we passed by the amount of poor and broken people we saw sitting on every street we went down. I went to New Orleans in anticipation of eating beignets and sight seeing. As we started to get closer, my thoughts drifted to Katrina and how the town was devastated and how many people were effected. We parked and began walking and I soon realized that I was in a town full of brokenness. It was a Tuesday afternoon and I really just wanted to love on every person and dog I saw. No matter what we did in New Orleans my mind wouldn’t travel far from how I could love on these people. I have been at a spot in my life of brokenness, hopelessness, needing of healing, love, grace, and mercy. I wanted God to use me as a vessel to share the Good News. I wasn’t able to do much while I was down there, but I know there is a plan for more. God wants to use people who imitate Jesus’ character. He wants to use people who are full of mercy and grace. He wants to use people who love on the broken and aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty. In that short time I was down there visiting, God brought me a sense of humility and a hunger to help those who the world looks at as “invaluable”. Even though I have never been homeless, I did once have a drug and alcohol problem. I did have a mental illness and demons that tainted my every thought and action. I did come from a place of brokenness and being completely lost. I saw someone who didn’t know what they needed, even though he was only once conversation away. I saw people who needed love and for someone to hear their testimony. I saw people who needed to be encouraged and to hear that it will be okay even if it feels like they are in an abyss. When I was walking down the streets of New Orleans, I didn’t see them, what I really saw was me. Don’t forget where God has brought you. & don’t think that people can’t change. With God everything is possible.

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”-Matthew 25:35-40

Lord, I just pray that every person that needs healing and love from you that you place people in their life to love on them and imitate you. I pray that we never forget who we used to be before we put you at the throne of our heart. I ask you Lord, for you to make our hearts more like yours everyday. I ask you to show us people who need you Lord so we can love on them the way we needed to be loved. I thank-you for the gift of salvation, the grace, mercy, and pure love that you give to me everyday. I thank-you that you never left me or forsake me when I was at my darkest. & thank-you Abba for being my light when it was dark. In Jesus name, Amen.