Just before this verse above, Paul is talking about the responsibility he has as a servant of God and a manager of the mysteries of God. How it is required of us to be found faithful and good stewards of what God has given us. I love that these two verses come in after! Paul cared very little about what others thought of him, he knew that he would have to give an account to God rather than the people of this earth. Paul even said that he cannot judge himself, that the only one who could judge him based on the works he had done was God.
A couple things stand out to me with this passage of scripture:
-The account I give is going to be given to God. So other peoples opinions on what I am doing or not doing means very little. If God has called me to do it, the rest should not matter. God is the all knowing, ever knowing, omnipresent God.
-Many things God calls me to do may not make sense to others, but it does not matter. Many times, faith does not make sense. When we are living with a heavenly focus rather than an earthly focus we live much differently than the rest of the world expects us to.
-Only God can judge me is so misunderstood and twisted today. Other people are going to judge you. Unfortunately, that is how the world is. Let God’s opinions and commands be so loud that it drowns out the opinions of others.
-We each have a responsibility to do what God has entrusted us with.
-We will each give an account to him when the day comes.
With all that being said, this passage of scripture brought me freedom but responsibility for the short time I have here on earth. I am choosing to not let other people’s opinions sway the plan and purpose God has for my life. My worth, identity, responsibility, and accountability does not lay with them. I am called by God. Things may look funny but if God calls me to do it, it is for a reason. His plan and timing are perfect. Absolutely flawless.
Let all of us stop seeking the approval of others and instead be focused on our obedience to the Father. If you catch yourself judging, confess and repent. What may look funny to you could be someone’s obedience to the father. In the end, God will bring the light to what is hidden in the darkness and reveal the intentions of every single heart.
Let our hearts be focused on the praise that comes from the Father rather than searching for approval from others.
I went to Pink Impact @ Gateway Church along with some other amazing women of god this weekend. Let me tell you, Holy Spirit taught every single one of us something this past weekend. I have many moments to share but I want to share a vision God painted for me in worship.
He brought me to these very raw moments of hurt. The times I felt lonely and like no one cared. The moments where I felt no one listening. He brought me to moments where I was abused and confused. He brought me to these moments of sorrow where I was sobbing, broken, and where I felt alone. He took me there and showed me Jesus in the background, weeping. His face was in anguish. I saw in his hand a vile of tears. Each tear I dropped was placed in this bottle.
Jesus spoke to me & said, when you felt the loneliest, I was there.
When you weeped and no one saw or cared to understand your pain, I was weeping with you.
My Child, I feel what you feel. I hurt when you hurt. All those times you thought I wasn’t there. I was.
I know every single tear you have cried. I know every reason you have felt hurt. I am who I say I am. & You are who I say you are.
Do not compare me to your earthly father. This will trip you up. Remember when you called me Abba. Remember your first love for me. Remember my goodness. Remember who I am and who you are in me.
As the worship continued I began to weep and realize that I had it all wrong. The times I didn’t understand, the ones that were the most painful, he wasn’t only there….he was weeping with me.
Even if you have the best Dad in the world, understand NOTHING compares to your heavenly Father.
God not only knows what we are going through, he feels it too. He keeps every single tear we have cried in a bottle.
On the flip side, if he can cry when we cry.
He must rejoice when we rejoice. Abba is a good father.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”-Psalm 56:8
“Where have you laid him?” he asked. “Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.”-John 11:34-35 NIV
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”-Psalm 119:76 NIV
Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.
