“I feel like no one understands…”, I thought to myself as I reflected on supports groups online and in person. I was surrounded with people who knew the pain of losing a child(ren) all too well. Yet, all of them had living children. There was a group of women who sat silently each session in hopes of someone understanding when it was not possible. Those that surrounded them just weren’t experiencing what they were.
Let me be clear, if you have lost a child and have current living children, I cannot possibly understand what it is like for you. I have not experienced what you have. The same goes for women who have only children in heaven. This DOES NOT make our grief less or more. Our griefs aren’t comparable. We just simply have not walked the same path and had the same experiences and this is okay. Your grief is still valid and my grief is valid too.
As I continued to reach out for love and support, I have continued to hit this hurdle that had left me more isolated rather than supported. I have left support groups that have left me empty rather than comforted. I have had posts declined because grief without living children is different than most people can understand. Yet, I knew that because there is such a huge gap, there needed to be a solution. My friend, if you are in front of this screen right now with only children in heaven, I want to know I understand what you are feeling. I understand what it is like to feel forgotten and the pain of empty arms and wombs. I understand the pain that comes with seeing other women with families, not out of jealousy or resentment, but a void you feel so deeply. I am sorry you have felt this way when you have reached out for help. I know what it is like to question if you are a mother because the only evidence you have are the stick’s you peed on and the memories that seem so close, yet so far away. I understand all to well the thankfulness you feel in your heart for women who reach out to you with families, but the emptiness you feel because there is a margin of us who seem to be hidden. What I want you to tuck in your heart Momma is that you are not alone and support is here. Your feelings are valid. Your unique grief is valid. You deserve love and support with the unique grief you are feeling.
You arms and heart wish to be filled with the babies you have lost. You long for your home to be filled with laughter, tears, and mess. When you go to sleep each night you wonder what could have been of the family you have given birth to multiple times. Is that what it feels like to birth empty promise? The promise you have hope for and dream of. The promise that is given but seems like it has been stolen away. My sister, these feelings are valid. Just because there is a group of women who have living children who cannot possibly understand, does not mean they are not hurting too. It just means we are hurting in different ways and this is okay.
What we do all have in common is the a God who loves us so much that He lost His only Son to show us. We have a heavenly father who is willing to sit with us in the ashes and remind us that we still have our crown. We have a father who wants to bind up our broken heart and comfort us through our deepest despair. We have a God who knows the very number of hairs on our head and sympathizes with us on an individual and intimate level. When it feels like no one understands, this is a perfect invitation to come before the only one who possibly could. I encourage you to pour your heart out upon the feet of the Father today. Be unreserved about what you are truly feeling. He knows your thoughts and wants you to cast your cares because He cares. When you share with Him your heart, He will open the floodgates of his love, peace, and understanding. He will sit with you in the ashes.
**If you are a mother of loss with no living children here on earth, sign up for our emails for a support group coming soon. You are not forgotten and you are so loved!