Since the miscarriage just over a week ago, I have been battling for what seems like my life. There is the heaviness of a broken heart rather than a peace. I have been sober for 3 years but have been tempted to take back up old ways of living. People mean to support you but tend to say the wrong thing which brings you to a deeper place of sadness. It is a dark place to be. I feel misunderstood and not heard. I feel heartbroken. This place is a place that I have not been in for a long time, these are circumstances that I never have dealt with, and truth be told I have no idea what I am doing.
What has came naturally is writing. It is so much easier for me to write rather than speak. The words just seem to flow when I sit down and begin to type. And once again I am reminded that there is never a moment that God does not use and this will not be wasted.
I was able to have some quiet time with God this morning and it was so refreshing to hear what he was speaking:
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need.” -Hebrews 4:15-16 CSB
I am weak and I am okay with admitting this. Losing our child after years of praying and standing in faith is by far the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my walk with God. It is an emptiness that I have never felt before. When you are used to overflow, just getting by seems treacherous. The devil has really tried to keep me wrapped in shame. He has tried to make me think that I did something or did not do something to cause our baby to be taken away. He has shamed me for asking God the hard questions, questioning his sovereignty. The devil has taken these moments of weakness as an opportunity to prowl and pounce. He has even tempted me with old habits, pills, drinking, and smoking. He has sent people to sow discouragement and shame and even unwanted attention. The devil is here to steal my hope, the purpose in this, and my worship to God. He is here to kill any good that can come out of this and he most certainly is out to destroy me.
God has brought me so far over the years. It wasn’t me who laid down the bottles and picked up the bible. It was Holy Spirit leading me to repentance and into his love to be saved. But right now, I am surviving day by day and I have come to terms with my weakness.
I am taken back to Hebrews 4:15-16 once again. Jesus is not only interceding for me but sympathizes with me. Jesus is feeling what I am feeling. Therefore I will not be ashamed of what I am going through. He knows and he meets me in my weakness with his perfect strength. Jesus reminds me once again that I am not forgotten, I am loved, and there is purpose in this.
In verse 15, we are given direction to come to Jesus with boldness. So what is boldness? In Greek boldness is the word, parrésia. Which means leaving a witness that something deserves to be remembered, to be taken seriously. Coming to God knowing that he see’s what I am speaking is important, brings a deeper level of intimacy and vulnerability. Not only does he feel exactly what I am going through, he see’s it as important. Somewhere in the midst of heartbreak I seemed to lose this point. I felt that even through I was pouring out my heart before the Lord, what he heard was empty. Which is really just a lie from the enemy. The truth is, God is just and has heard and felt everything that I have.
I am not sure where you are at today friend. Maybe you are dealing with heartbreak just like me, maybe you just feel unheard, or maybe you stumbled across this page in hopes of helping someone else. No matter what, know that Jesus sympathizes with you. He has walked where you have and is currently walking with you, despite how you may feel. He is Emmanuel, God with You. Hebrews 4:15-16 is our invitation to pour out our hearts before the Lord and for us to receive grace and mercy. When we are real with God about all we have been dealing with, boldly proclaiming the stance of our hearts, he does not listen passively. We serve a God who is actively working everything out for our good and who is on our side. What is going on inside of our hearts it important to God. We are his children after all. He will give us help, assistance that meets our urgent situation in the perfect time. But we first must come boldly before the throne.
Questions To Reflect On:
- What is holding you back from coming boldly before God?
- How are some ways God has been an ever-present help in your time of trouble?
- What are some promises/words God has spoken to you that is helping you get through this time? (Share them in the comments)
More Scripture To Meditate On:
- Psalm 46:1
- 1 Peter 2:22-23
- Psalms 34:17
- 2 Corinthians 12:9
- Psalms 55:22
- John 16:33