Losing our child has been devastating. It has been something that has made me ask the hard questions. It’s made me question the goodness of God and his faithfulness. Mainly because we do not understand why. I did cry out to God in the midst to help me, help our child. I did ask him to raise our baby from the dead in faith.
If faith could’ve saved our baby, he would still be here.
So here we are, wondering how such a great God could let us suffer through this. I was angry, hurt, sad, and quite confused. But God came to my rescue once again after I got real with what was going on inside of my heart.
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”
Matthew 27:46 NKJV
Jesus, God’s child, hung on the cross and asked the same question. “God, why have you forsaken me?”. So why did I feel such guilt for asking the same question? The devil does not stop when you are at your weakest, he goes in harder. He wants nothing more than to make me believe the lies that God is not good and he is not there. My circumstances make it seems like these things are true. Like Jesus, the pain is so deep that it is hard to see past it.
For me, It has always been easy to hear God. I love him, I love his word, and have dedicated myself to communion with him. When I was pouring out blood in the cold bathroom, having contractions, crying out to God in pain, he was oddly quiet.
Where are you God?
God, my God! Why would you abandon me now? Why do you remain distant, refusing to answer my tearful cries in the day and my desperate cries for your help in the night? I can’t stop sobbing. Where are you, my God? Yet I know that you are most holy; it’s indisputable. You are God-Enthroned, surrounded with songs, living among the shouts of praise of your princely people.
Psalms 22:1-3 TPT
It has been four days and I am still crying out the same way. Where are you? I need you. I know who you are, just say the word. Help me. Rescue me.
Besides losing a child this is hard because I had an expectation for our baby to happy and healthy. I had an expectation for things not to be this way. Right now, I don’t see good fruit.
Where are you God?
He’s here with me. He is reminding me that he is weeping as I weep. He is reminding me that he gave up his son to close the gap to have a relationship with him and that was painful for him to endure. God has shown me that having lost children here on earth is just as painful as losing our child. Which has shown me how big and strong he is. God has never left. However, the devils lies seem believable. He is a great liar. He twists the truth and he is working overtime to have us turn away from God and run right into his plan to kill, steal, and destroy.
God told me I was chosen for this. One of the things I asked him was if I was ‘chosen to have a miscarriage’. While yes, I miscarried. Changing my perspective from an earthly perspective to a heavenly one has shifted my heart. I wasn’t chosen to have a miscarriage, I was chosen to have a baby in heaven. Our baby, tater tot, will never feel the pain and suffering that we are feeling right now. He woke up in perfection. He will never wander the world, he was born right into Abba’s arms.
We as the church need to stop hiding behind the facade that life isn’t hard. We need to stop hiding behind the mask that God see’s so clearly through and ask him the hard question. If Jesus asked hanging on the cross where he was, feeling forsaken, why wouldn’t I? It was only when I came boldly before the throne, being raw with him, that I felt the burden lift. God’s thoughts and ways are much higher than ours. There are things that we may never understand. Just because you or I questioned why, doesn’t mean that we are straying. Asking the hard questions is a gateway to draw us closer, to know God more intimately.
I am here to give God glory, I promised him when he gave us a child I would. I am keeping my vows to him & he will keep his promises to me. Faith and belief did not save our child because it was God’s plan for our baby to be in heaven. It was God’s purpose for me to share this journey with you. I know it’s not going to be easy.
If you have hard questions, ask God. He is the only one who can give you the truth. When I brought what I was truly feeling to the surface, God’s light shown through. He reminded me of who he is and defeated the lies of the enemy. It is up to us to ask God the hard questions. He is ready for it, he knows our hearts, and our thoughts before we ever speak them. Do not be ashamed, this is only a tactic of the enemy to trap you in lies and carry burdens you were never meant to carry.
Be real. Tell God how you are feeling. This is an invitation for him to remind you of his truth, goodness, and faithfulness even in the darkest of times.