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Losing My Grandma & Praising God Through The Storm


“As a deer longs for flowing streams,
so I long for you, God.
I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while all day long people say to me,
“Where is your God?”
I remember this as I pour out my heart:
how I walked with many,
leading the festive procession to the house of God,
with joyful and thankful shouts.
Why, my soul, are you so dejected?
Why are you in such turmoil?
Put your hope in God, for I will still praise him,
my Savior and my God. 
I am deeply depressed;
therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan
and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. 
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your billows have swept over me.
The Lord will send his faithful love by day;
his song will be with me in the night—
a prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God, my rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about in sorrow
because of the enemy’s oppression?”
My adversaries taunt me,
as if crushing my bones,
while all day long they say to me,
“Where is your God?”
Why, my soul, are you so dejected?
Why are you in such turmoil?
Put your hope in God, for I will still praise him,
my Savior and my God” -Psalms 42

As I read Psalms 42 this morning, it just sank in a little more that true praise and worship is a lifestyle and an expression of the heart.

In Psalms 42, the writer is depressed and still proceeds to focus on what God has already done, and not the dark period he’s going through right now. The writer expresses that they have been crying day and night, yet they still chose to praise God. While the world asks him “Where is your God?” he is so founded in God that he doesn’t waiver from his faith, he continues to praise God through the storm. 

When I first started my walk with God, I thought everything was going to perfect! No more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurting, and then life happened. My Grandma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and I felt like the world was crumbling beneath me. I had the choice, to focus on God or to focus on my pain and hurting of watching someone I loved so much suffer. During the struggle of watching her leave us, I cried out to God, I didn’t understand why my Grandmother, out of all people, had to suffer like this. She was such a woman of God and faith. It didn’t make sense. I was angry, confused, and distraught. I began to reflect on how far God had brought me that year. I remembered that he saved my life from suicide, helped me battle addictions, told me and made me understand I was forgiven, and made me feel loved.

I soon realized the enemies tactics was to bring me back to where I used to be. To show the progress that God had made was a joke and make it seem like it never happened. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” -John 10:10 


My Grandma soon passed, and it was seriously the weirdest thing. I felt joy. I was driving down I-69 and saw a younger her, dressed in a white dress, glowing, and dancing around in circles like a young girl would do in her youth. I knew that going to be with Abba was all she ever hoped for. I felt peace that she was no longer suffering here and was at her true home. God sent me many signs about her being at home with her. Some of them are quite funny. I’ll have to write about them later!

We often think that life should be easier than what it is here, but the truth is, this isn’t our home. We don’t belong here forever. We may suffer here at times, but it brings us to be more like Christ. I do go through things, we all do, but now I just have the strength to do it.

“But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.”-Philippians 3:20 NIV

“I am able to do all things through him who strengthens me.”-Philippians 4:13 CSB

When you don’t feel like praising God is really when you should be doing in the most! One thing that has really helped me, is writing down all the blessings and answered prayers that has happened in my life. I even include the little things! We know that every good thing comes from heaven! (James 1:17) So when I have those rough days, I can look back like the Psalmist and see everything he has done for me already. He is faithful and his love is unconditional and unwavering, no matter the circumstance or what you may have done. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”-Hebrews 13:8 GNT


I miss you every single day, but I cannot wait to see you again! RIP Grandma! 10.05.2017



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