Due to the detail of this article, it may be a little graphic to some.
It was a cold February day as I woke up and the tormenting thoughts still hadn’t went away. I had been hospitalized,many times, for suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-harm since 2008. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II (manic-depressive), anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD in 2012. I was put on medication since a very early age to cope with my ongoing symptoms. I even tried drugs and alcohol to cope with my symptoms. No matter what I tried to do, the pain I felt from all the abuse, the thoughts of wanting the pain to go away and not come back, the continual thoughts of it will never get better wouldn’t go away. I had suicidal thoughts from the time I got up, till the time I went to bed from October 2015-February 2016. I got out of bed, went to college, worked, and went home. I tired every single coping skill they gave you in the hospital and I was taking my medication as prescribed. Why wasn’t this emptiness, this hopelessness, this feeling of not having a purpose not going away!?! I got up, and started screaming at God. I was angry. Why did all this happen to me? I named off every single thing that had ever happened to me, big or little. If I am trying to get help, why isn’t it working!?!? Why won’t the pain go away!? Why won’t these thoughts go away!? I was about to get into the shower and I picked up the razor blade and sliced my leg, just to feel the pain temporarily go away. I began and it was like I couldn’t stop. I was sobbing on the floor in my bathroom, alone and bleeding out my sorrows. I ended up messaging my school administrator explaining that I was in no shape or form to come in, but was instructed to come in because Monday’s were mandatory. I drove up to school, crying, begging, and screaming about what was going on in my life. I walked into school and was immediately asked what was wrong. I was speechless. I was drowning and no one saw it and if they did see, they couldn’t help me. I had written a suicide note the day before, and the first line stated was, “I first of all want to say I’m sorry, this wasn’t meant to hurt any of you…”
I often hear of people saying suicide is selfish… When dealing with these thoughts for so long, the only thing that kept me here was the fact I would’ve hurt others. It’s a constant pain that never went away. I ended up being released from school and drove up to the Blue Water Bridge. I called my mother, explaining that I was so tired and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was so tired of trying for thing to get better temporarily and for it all to come back. My Mom knew what was going on and she gave me the best advice she ever could’ve…she instructed me to pray.
I begged out for a God… If you are real God, please, PLEASE, show me, please make it go away. I am so tired of doing this on my own. I can’t anymore. Please help me. A sense of peace, came over me. My heart no longer felt like it was physically breaking, I felt an urge to go back home and sleep.
I dealt with these thoughts since I was 15 years old. The very last time I had suicidal thoughts was on that cold February day when I asked God to come into my life. I can’t thank him enough for saving me on that cold winter day. I will continue, later on, about my recovery process.
Look y’all, if you are dealing with that pain I dealt with, I know it’s real, I know it hurts, and I know you want it to go away. But can I tell you, that suicide isn’t the answer… Can I tell you that as big as the demons your facing, God is so much bigger. Can I tell you that you’re not alone and I’ve been there… Can I tell you that God has since then healed me and has used what I’ve been through to help others get through Mental Illness and Abuse.
I take it ,now, as a compliment. All the thoughts and work the devil and his crew surrounded me with. He knew how big of a threat I would be when I was filled with God.
You see, the devil is here, to lie, and destroy everything God has planned for you… and well God gives you life. He does a lot more than that. He gives you plans to prosper. His love is constant. His love is pure! He wants you tell him what is overwhelming you, because he cares. Those anxious thoughts you’ve been dealing with, aren’t from him. Those burdens, the pain you feel, you were never meant to carry. If you feel lost, reach up. If you feel like you don’t fit in, it’s because you’re not supposed to. We live in a world, filled with evil. Let the love and compassion you have deep down inside you be the light for others. You are here on this earth, at this very moment, for a very specific purpose. God said he needed one of you and there’s no one that will ever be able to fill the purpose he has for you!
I am just reminded to where I was to where I am now.
I don’t have a relationship with God because someone told me to… I have one because he saved my life and has continually poured his constant love upon me. I have a relationship with Abba because as soon as I invited him in, he was like “Finally, I have been wanting to help you for so long.” When I mess up, he cheers me on to do the right thing next time.
We believe a lot of lies about who God is.
If you are struggling please reach out to him and ask him to help. I am here too. Recovery is real. But we can’t do it on our own.