“God is much more interested in your future than in your past.”-Mark Jeske
I heard the song Suicide Nets and it brought me to tears. Reflecting on where I used to be to where I am now. Where I was without God, trapt in addiction, sin, and depression. Suicidal thoughts overwhelmed my mind on a daily basis, sometimes even an hourly basis. I was so lost. I hit rock bottom before I reached out and invited the Lord in.
Now, I am on my Christian walk, letting him be my strength, provider, comforter, and anything that he calls to be in the moment. Sometimes I wish I would’ve reached up sooner to be with him and start this journey. However, I know that the things I’ve went through are to help others that may need some love, just like I did before February 2015.
February 2015 was the last time I was institutionalized for Suicidal Thoughts and Self-Harm. It was also the last month, besides October of 2016 (my Grandma was dying of Cancer), where I allowed the devil to control my mind to think all I was worth was my mental illness that I had been diagnosed with, Bipolar Disorder II.
I started attending church at The River and I was welcomed in with the love of the Father as soon as I came through the door. From there, we went into worship, looking all around me I saw people crying, shouting with joy, and showing an outward expression of how much they love God. I cannot seem to find the song that was first played, however, exactly what I needed to hear was playing. The Father let me know that I wasn’t alone and I am loved.
We are all searching for something in this world…and really we are just looking for the love of Christ.
I look at dealing with suicidal thoughts now as the devil realizing that I was going to be a big threat to what he has planned, compared to where God knows where I will go. At this point in my life, I take all the things I have been through as a compliment from the devil.
Starting January 2017 I asked my doctor if I could be taken off of all the medications I had been taking. He was hesitant. People with mental illnesses often feel better while being stable on medications and often quit, and they end up being right at the beginning of recovery. However, I knew I had been healed from God and I didn’t need medication because he creates miracles.
Since January I have still yet to fall back into a Manic/Depressive episode.
I am stable.
God has healed me.
If you are reading this and feel like there is no hope for your current situation, please understand that you’re first and foremost, not alone. Not only is God here, but I am here if you need a hug or just someone to listen. Just know that God is a God of miracles. Don’t keep him in a box. Let him show you what he wants to do for you.